Song to Say Goodbye
by iamthatplace
Summary: Jude is raped, and soon buries herself within a grave of lies. How far will she let herself fall? And, who will pick her up again? T/J pairing. Sorry, I know, I'm awful with summaries.
1. What Made the Monster

**Disclaimer:** I don't own jack. Also, the character that rapes her was based off of another rapist from the movie Smooth Talk.

**Warning:** This story is rated M for a reason.

**Summary:** Jude is raped, and soon buries herself within a grave of lies. How far will she let herself fall? And, who will pick her up again? T/J pairing. (Sorry, I know, I'm awful with summaries.)

**Note:** This story takes place in season 2, after episode 20 - Personality Crisis. Jude does_ not _get back together with Spiederman.

* * *

**Chapter one.**

Her car busted again and walking to G-Major, lost in thought. Tommy her bitter producer, Spied her ex-boyfriend, Darius her demanding boss. Everything seemed to be falling apart, the walls that surrounded her now crumbling, collasping. The ceiling cracking and breaking, everything crashing down over her head. She was buried beneath this rubble and there was only darkness, and silence. Jude cut through the allies to make it there faster. If she'd known she'd be walking, she would have left earlier. Her cellphone rang, a text from Kwest, he wanted to know why was she so late. Changing the ring to silent and shoving her phone inside her pocket, Jude went on, focusing on how to breathe when she so badly didn't want to. Maybe she and Spiederman weren't meant to be some couple in love, maybe they were better off. But, he made her laugh, and she still wanted to keep that. In their friendship, if possible. If there was a friendship. She just couldn't think of any reasons to smile all by herself. So, she didn't. And, the frown felt ever-lasting on her lips. Her mind was everywhere else but the alley she was walking down. She didn't even see that she was being followed.

"Jude," a voice shouted from behind her.

Startled, Jude stopped and turned to see who had called her name. There was man standing before her, a strange smile on his face, big sunglasses hiding his eyes. But, the sky was full of gray clouds today. Something felt off. He wore jeans, and a black t-shirt. His hair was sloppy and brown. She noted the obvious strength in his build. The muscles in his arms, and neck. She'd never seen such big hands before. Blinking once, twice, she waited. Why had he called her? When could she leave?

"Hi, Jude," he said, his voice so smooth. "I'm a big fan of yours."

"Oh," she nodded, licking her lips, trying to control the tumbling fear inside her stomach. "Thanks."

"No," he shook his head, taking a step closer to Jude and removing his sunglasses. "Thank you."

He tucked an ear-piece to the sunglasses in his back pocket. His eyes were blue, like tropical water, like the sky on a clear day, like Tommy. She shook her head. She didn't want to think of Tommy. She didn't want to see him in this man. This strange man with the odd smirk on his lips. Like he knew something she didn't know. It was eerie, and wrong. Nervous butterflies racing throughout her chest, wings brushing against her heart, brushing against her white-bone ribs. The creatures finding their way through her shoulders, down her arms, to her hands. Making them tremble.

"I've been dreamin' of this day," he said, taking another step toward her while Jude took another step back. "When I would finally get to meet Jude Harrison in person. You're so beautiful. All the pictures in the world couldn't do you justice. I've just been dreamin' of this day."

Jude nodded, taking another step back, and another step back. If she could just run away. If she could just run, and run away. She kept nodding, there was nothing she could say. There were no words for a moment like this. And, he just kept moving closer.

"You smell so sweet," he said. "Even from here. Like violets. Sweeter then I ever imagined. I bet your hair feels so smooth, like strands of silk between my fingertips. And, your skin. I bet you have the softest skin."

His eyes were gleaming. He was already feeling her hair, her skin. Somewhere inside of his mind, it was already happening. Somewhere inside of his mind, the distance had already been closed between them. He was doing all of these things. The smirk remaining. It was the innocence that made it hurt her so much worse. The expression on his face so sweet. Like a little boy dreaming. But, he wasn't a little boy. He was a man. And, she was a little girl. Those weren't normal dreams.

"I'm your lover, Jude," he said so suddenly.

She stopped walking, stopped breathing. This wasn't happening. This couldn't honestly be happening. It wasn't possible. He couldn't be saying that. He couldn't seriously being saying that. She was just a little girl. She was just a baby.

"I'm your lover," he repeated. "And, you don't know what that is yet, but you will. Now, I know you're scared. That's okay, everyone's a little scared the first time."

"Please," the word bursting from Jude lips with a sob. She shook her head, another step back. "Please."

"I'm the most gentle lover, Jude," he tried to reassure. "I'll touch you so delicate, like you deserve to be touched. Like an angel. And, when I'm fillin' that secret place inside you-"

"Please!" Jude shook head, barely able to see through the tears in her eyes. She felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. "Stop, please!"

"Oh, Jude, don't cry," he said, rushing quickly toward her.

She was too weak to run. Her whole body so tired, like being chased inside a dream. It's too hard to move. His arms suddenly around her, cradeling her, trying to comfort. She shook violently in the fear, trying to shake herself away from him, the nightmare. He let her turn around inside his arms, her back pressed against his chest. She was sobbing too hard, feeling as though the bones inside her body were breaking. Everything within her collasping. His arms around her, and his hands on her wrists, he lead her to the brick-wall. She was too weak to fight.

"Hush now," he whispered. "You'll be just fine."

He turned her gently to face him, holding both of her wrists in one hand and pinning them above her head. He smiled sadly, brushing her cheeks with his thumb, but the tears kept falling. Quickly taking off his pants, he took his time removing Jude's. Un-buttoning and un-zipping so carefully, watching her face all the while. He slid her jeans down from around her waste. He placed his free hand on her hip, sliding it up beneath the fabric of her shirt, running it of over her trembling stomach. Sliding it back down again, he moved to her waist, and down the outside of her thigh, taking her panties with it. Jude shut her eyes and with the cold against her bare skin, felt some part of reality awaken inside her. She began to struggle. Fighting against him, he leaned in close, pinning her whole body with his.

"No," she couldn't open her eyes. "No, no, no. No. No."

"Shhh," he pressed his lips against her ear. "Don't fight me, Jude. I don't want to hurt you. Don't make me hurt you. Please. Don't make me hurt you."

He was pleading. It wasn't a threat, it was a fact. He could murder her. He was insane enough. He might not care about the repercussions. So easily, his hands could wrap around her throat and snap her neck. Just like that. She stopped fighting. Let him press his body closser, feeling his hips against the inside of her thighs. She couldn't focus on the things being done. She felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. At her ankles. And, the way he moved, and gasped. His body rocking inside her. The skin tearing, the wrong, his eyes. She couldn't focus. There was nothing to hold. Her hands in tight fists, the nails digging into her palms. He was raping her. He was raping her. He was raping her. And, there was nothing she could do. And, it just kept happening, and happening. His breathing, and the way he touched her. The whole world was silent. Sounding heavy and thick, falling on her ears. Nothing real.

And, when he was done, he stayed inside her, trembling, for a very long time. Eventually pulling away. Fixing his jeans and then Jude's. Pulling them up from around her ankles, zipping and buttoning. Jude kept her eyes closed, her hands over her head as they had been. She couldn't move. She waited, silent. She waited.

"Thank you," he said. "I look forward to when we'll meet again."

And, she listening to his footsteps growing fainter and fainter. Slowly slumping back, sliding down against the wall, her legs curled close against her. Jude buried her face into the darkness between her knees and felt herself breathing softly. Everything distant, untouchable. She felt her phone vibrating in her pocket.


	2. The Day After the Storm

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine, never will be.

**Note: **The meaning of _xoxo_ - it's just a heads up if I'm going to be writing from Jude's P.O.V.

* * *

**Chapter two.**

_xoxo_

I'm not sure what happened next. I don't remember how I got here. Probably walked. Ran. Maybe it has to be that way. The After. To stand up after something like that happens... To pull yourself together after something like that happens... Maybe your mind has to shut off. Maybe it'd kill a person to remember what that took. What it took inside of you to stand again. And walk. Or run. Whatever. I'm here now. Remembering the way I lied to my mother. How easily the words came, not my own, not from inside me. I was drawing them from the air. I was watching from a distance. She looked concerned. She took my temperature. It turns out I have a tiny fever, though I don't understand. She wanted a hug but I walked away. She called out of work for me, and I showered. I don't really want to remember the shower. The way I didn't cry, the way I scrubbed my skin raw. What I do know is that I'm wearing a pad now because of the bleeding and I can't sleep, or won't. I don't think I will ever again.

**IIIII**

"Burn my name, my mouth, my eyes, burn my memory, I am not right," I read these. These words, so old, and smeared in sloppy scrawl across the page. I had written this before, so long ago. The start to some song I'd never continued. It's hard to breathe. I slam my journal shut and flinch at the sound. My mother shoots me an uneasy glance before returning her eyes to the road, and I feel guilt. She's concerned, obviously. Her face carved with the lines of worry, a perminant frown. I'm biting my lip, peeling away at the skin with teeth. He touched that skin, his fingertips wandering so lightly over my lips. Never meeting them with his own, but staring so longingly. I have to get rid of it. I have to get rid of it somehow. The car pulls to a stop outside of G-Major. I leave without saying goodbye. Wave and feel another rush of guilt as she drives away. I don't want to go in there. I linger outside the door for a moment, holding my breath. I can do this. I can. I have to.

**IIIII**

"Jude, how you doin'?" is the first thing I hear.

Suddenly Darius is at my side, an arm thrown around my shoulder. I tense up, let me go, let me go. The way the man held my wrists, the blue eyed man, the mystery man, the monster man. I don't know his name, he's just a man, any man. All men. Darius with his arm around my shoulder is that man. How capable he is of hurting me. How capable they all are. What's to stop them? And, Darius leads me along, toward the studio, this fake smile on his face. And, then I remember he asked me a question. And, I'm expected to answer. How am I feelin'? I'm so far away from myself, I have no idea. I think that I'd kill myself if I got any closer to look, though.

"Okay," I mumble.

"Good," his tone changes to harsh. We stop looking and he turns me to face him. "We need a new single, Jude. A hit. And, soon. So get in there, and get crackin'."

I nod as he nudges me forward and I step inside the studio. Kwest is there, messing with the sound-board. My stomach tumbles. We're alone in a sound-proof room and his face looks so serious. I notice the muscles in his arms, how strong he really is. I keep standing here, unsure, when he turns, suddenly aware of my presence. A giant smile spreads across his face and suddenly melts the ice inside. Watching him take off his head-phones, I feel somehow safer. It's only Kwest, after all. He's just a great big teddy-bear. He's safe. One of the good ones. I can trust him. I swear, I can trust him.

"Hey, Jude," he says, deep voice so friendly. "How you feelin'?"

"Better," I say, nodding, smiling slightly.

I feel shy. New at this. Kwest is the same, but I'm not. He watches me curiously, with my notebook tucked under my arm and my hands in my pockets. I kind of wander around the room, unsure of what to do anymore. What to say. I don't remember how it used to be. I can't think back, my mind only draws blanks. That whole world and life feels so ancient. Not mine. I am not mine.

"Tommy'll be here in a minute," Kwest tells me. "He just went..."

But, I tune the rest out. Tommy kissed me last year. Tommy's mad at me, now. Tommy isn't safe. I don't how to feel about things anymore. I don't know if I love him anymore. Then the door opens and I wheel around. His face changes from expressionless to cocky once he sees me here.

"Well, look who decided to show up," he says, tone arrogant, sarcastic. "I guess that winning an award gave you some diva illusion and now you think you can come and go whenever you please."

He's walking while he talks. Grabbing his guitar and stopping, standing before the couch. He pauses, staring at me, like I'm stupid, or something.

"You just gonna stand there all day or you wanna get to work?" he asks.

I blink, and sit. I can't argue him. I don't like that he's angry. I don't like his eyes. Like the monster man's eyes. I feel afraid of Tommy. Tommy sitting next to me, even with a frowning Kwest across the room. But, then Kwest stands up.

"I'll be back," he says, walking to the door. "Later."

He leaves and now there's no one else. How easily Tommy could be that monster man, now. The room is sound-proof. No one would know. No one would stop him. I already know how strong he is. I already know what men can do to women. So easily. A hand flys in front of my face, waving, snapping me back to reality.

"Glad to see your back," Tommy shoots. "Now, we have a song to write. Let's get started. Lyrics. Whatcha got?"

"Um," I can't think. "I..."

I begin flipping through my journal. I feel strange. I don't like him watching me. Waiting. I don't know what I've got. Those words. I find those words and I stop again. Burn my name, my mouth, my eyes. Burn my memory. I am not right, I am not right, I am not right. Tommy won't look away, and I'm just staring at these words. Everything feels so broken inside of me. I don't know who to trust. I don't know what to do with myself.

"Jude," Tommy says.

My head snaps in his direction. His eyes are big in his face, worried. They look like the monster man's eyes. Except, sad. They look sad for me. I don't want pity. I never asked for this. Tommy, go back to hating me. I don't want pity. I don't want your pity.

"What's wrong?" he asks, voice soft.

"Noth," I have to start again. "Nothing."

He looks down at my hands.

"You're shaking," his voice is too soft.

"I'm fine," I blink.

"Jude," he repeats.

"I'm fine," I don't know what else to say. "I'm fine."

"You're scaring me," and he looks scared. He looks terrified.

"Stop it," I tell him. "Stop it. I'm fine."

I feel panicked. My eyes filling and blurring with the tears. I'm fine. I have to be fine. He has to drop it. Leave me alone. I'm fine. Please. Let me be fine. Just stop asking me questions. I am shaking. I don't understand it. I don't understand this. Why am I so crazy, now? Why did that happen to me? Tommy's just looking, looking so helpless. He has no idea. He has no idea.

"Jude," he reaches out to take my hand.

Don't touch me. I can't let him touch me. I couldn't even let my mom touch me. He won't understand and I can't explain it to him now. Just watch the way his face falls, so hurt when I pull away. Yanking my arm back, unable to stand being that close to anyone. Not anymore. I'm shaking my head and I'm smiling. I know how strange this must seem. The drops of salty water clinging to my eyelashes. It's so stupid, all of this so stupid. How can I not smile? How can I not laugh?

"Tommy, I..." the tears start to roll. "I'm fine. Just please... Please... I'm fine."

I'm going to break down. I swear I am. All the while laughing. Just watching Tommy watching me. Just like that. He looks aslost as I feel. He looks as confused. I suddenly stand and begin running. Out of the studio doors, and keep going until I find my way to the bathroom. I don't know why I'm here. I can't breathe. I can't breathe anywhere.There is no place for me hide. Not from this. Trembling and crying.I feel like an idiot. Hopeless.The door opens and Portia stops walking when she sees me.Her eyes go wide with suprise.

"Jude," she says my name like a question and starts walking toward me. "Jude, honey, what's wrong?"

"Noth," I have to start again. "Nothing."

"Says the girl crying in the bathroom," Portia tries to joke, tries to make me smile.

"I'll be fine," I tell her. "I swear. I'll be fine. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Well we can sit here," she says, motioning to the couch. "We can sit here if you'd like."

"I don't know," I mutter quietly, but I think I do.

She smirks knowingly and takes my elbow. I flinch but relax. It's Portia. It's only Portia. Sitting me down, she pulls me closer, and I let her arms wrap around me, hold me. I'm not crying too hard. I can't let it all out. I don't know what would happen if I tried letting it all out. The whole world would shatter. She pets my head lovingly and that's enough for now. And, I don't really have a choice.

"Maybe you wanna take some time off of work, huh?" she asks, pulling back to see my face.

"But, Darius," I begin.

"_I'll_ take care of Darius," she grins.

I nod, attempting to smile back. It's not to hard. It's easier than I thought. Faking smiles. Maybe I can do this. Nodding, and standing. Brushing myself off and letting her wipe the final tears away. Sniffling and allowing her to drive me home. My mom's at work, and Sadie's at work. Portia said she'd take care of everything. Curl up in a ball and try to sleep. It doesn't work. All I can see when I shut my eyes is his face looming over mine.


	3. This Little Light of Mine

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. And, the song in this story that's "written" by Jude is actually Monsters by Matchbook Romance. I've just changed the lyrics up a bit to match the story-line.

**Note:** I apologize. I can't spell momamare or revion. I'm just soundin' it out...

* * *

**Chapter three.**

_xoxo_

My five days are up. Today's back to work. Today's my birthday. I remember last year. I remember Tommy, and the way he looked at me. Like Monster Man looked at me. With that desperate longing. I remember the way we kissed. I don't want that to happen again. I'm too young for him. I think I understand that now. Outside of G-Major, my mom says goodbye and I can hug her now. I've gotten better at lying. Smiling. It's too easy. It's dangerous, it's so easy. Inside the building and there's no one familiar. No one intercepting me before I can make it to the studio. I think I'm safe from the wrath of Darius when I open the door. And, then, there's everybody. The lights are out and they scream, "Suprise". They have a cake, with seventeen candles. They sing "Happy Birthday", and I don't bother to stop them. I don't have the will. I just smile. So easy. Then Portia says to make a wish. But, I don't. I just blow out the flames like it means something. Thank people. Hug Darius, even. Then the crowd begins to clear and I see Tommy behind it all. Leaning against the door, quiet, watching.

"Hey, Jude," he says, like he's forgotten I hate that.

But, I can't find myself reacting.

"Hey, Tommy," I say.

I don't know how to sound normal. I've forgotten normal. It's some distant country that I'd once heard of. But, I don't think I've ever been normal. In The Before, I was just delusional. I had no idea what pain is. That stupid girl. Who thought she was untouchable. That a stupid crush on Tommy hurt. That could walk through fucking back-allies like it was nothing. Because, back then, it was. But look what happened. She shattered into a million pieces. She's one million people. Torn and screaming. Each piece a different part of pain. They don't know eachother anymore. I'm divided and left with nothing to possibly understand.

"I have your notebook," Tommy tells me.

"Hm?" I ask, completely missing the point.

"Your notebook," Tommy frowns, like I've lost my mind. "With all your music, Jude. I figured you'd be goin' out of your mind lookin' for this thing."

"Oh," I don't know what else to say, staring at the journal in his hands. "Thanks."

"No problem," his voice softer than it's ever been.

I can't look at his face. I don't want to see that reflection of me inside his eyes. How scared he is depending on how frail I appear. How broken. He sees the wrong in me. The only one who's noticed and the last person I'd want to find out. I shake my head and flip through the book, trying to find something useful. Something old we can use. But, they're all love songs for Tommy and I don't think I can sing those anymore. We have nothing to work with. And, I don't know how to write anymore. I can't tell those fucking stories about that girl who wants that guy who doesn't know what he wants. That girl died. She was murdered in an ally. She's a ghost now. She's one million little ghosts. And, she hates the body she's left behind. The body she's trapped inside.

"You alright, girl?" Tommy asks.

"Tommy, please," I plead. "Let's just get started."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong," he places his hand on my shoulder.

I can't move. Just his warmth through the sleeve of my shirt. Just his eyes on me. He could kiss me. He could do whatever he wanted. I step back and shake my head, this is so wrong. I can't work like this, with him. His eyes are like the Monster Man's. The Monster Man inside of me. I keep shaking my head and stepping back, and back. Reaching the door and walking out, and fast. Bumping into Darius as I hurry off.

"Woah," he says, laughing. "Where you off to in such a hurry, birthday girl?"

"I can't work with Tommy anymore," I tell him, fast. "I guess I've been spending too much time with him at the studio, and ontop of that I hear Sadie complaining about him at home all the time. And, I'm really mad at him for what he did to her. I can't face him, I can't make music with him. He's giving me writers block. I just-"

"Hey, hey," Darius stops me, smiling so friendly. "You want a break from Tommy, you can get a break. Kwest might be willin' to take the job. Mums the word, Jude."

I look at my feet. This might be a mistake. I don't care anymore.

"Mum."

**

* * *

**

_Oh, what's happening to me?  
I can hardly breathe  
And I won't let it go  
I can't help this feeling anymore  
It won't go anywhere  
He'll never leave me_

She was scribbling a song down. Written by all of her. The millions of ghosts inside of her. Haunting.

_We are  
We are the shaken  
We are the monsters  
Underneath your bed  
Yeah  
Believe what you read  
We are  
We are mistaken  
We are the voices  
Inside your head  
Yeah  
Believe what you see_

It was for the old Jude. The naive Jude. Where ever she was.

_It came as no surprise  
He stole away your life  
Believe me  
I'll bleed for you  
I'd die for you  
I caught you walking through walls  
Drowned with applause  
From a world that makes me crazy_

It was for the empty Jude. The nothing Jude.

_We are  
We are the shaken  
We are the monsters  
Underneath your bed  
Yeah  
Believe what you read  
We are  
We are mistaken  
We are the voices  
Inside your head  
Yeah  
Believe what you see_

It was a lost cause.

_We are the monsters  
We are the monsters  
We are the monsters  
Underneath your bed  
We are the voices  
We are the voices  
We are the voices  
Underneath your bed  
We are the monsters  
We are the monsters  
We are the monsters  
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah_

It was for nothing.

_We are  
We are the shaken  
We are the monsters  
Underneath your bed  
Yeah  
Believe what you read  
We are  
We are mistaken  
We are the voices  
Inside your head  
Yeah  
Believe what you see_

For no one.

_We are  
We are the shaken  
We are the monsters  
Underneath your bed  
Yeah  
Believe what you see_

From him.

**IIIII**

Jude kept writing. Through the glass he saw her. Enchanted inside the pages. Looking content at last. He made way to enter the studio when stopped by Darius. A mournful looking Darius. 

"Tom, you can't go in there, man," he said.

"What are you talking about?" Tommy shook his head, baffled.

"As of right now, you're aren't Jude's producer anymore," Darius shook his head in sympathy.

"You're kidding me," Tommy blinked.

"Nah, man," Darius explained. "Jude talked with me this morning. She needed a break from you."

"That's bullshit," Tommy spat. "She's avoiding me because something's up and she doesn't wanna talk about it!"

"Sorry," Darius said. "Just back off for awhile."

"No," Tommy shook his head, trying to move around Darius. "No, seriously. Let me talk to her."

"She doesn't want to see you, Tom," Darius held out hands. "I can't let you in there."

"This is bullshit," Tommy yelled. "This is bullshit."

Storming away, Darius glanced back to Jude in the studio. She was strumming on her guitar, lost within the chords. Unknowning. He rubbed his forehead tiredly and walked away.

**IIIII**

Jude entered her apartment studio with exhaustion. Placing her bag down on the couch, she heard screaming within the pipe beside her. Some man wanting help. Trapped someplace within the building. She considered calling someone. She couldn't do this herself. What if it was him? What if it was just a trick? What if he did it again? What if anyone did it again? Jude grabbed her guitar tightly, her defense. She'd kill him if he touched her. If he even tried to touch her. Walking down the steps she stopped at the floor below hers. The screaming grew louder, it came from behind a rusted blue door with chipped paint. She found the handle which had fallen to the floor and carefully placed it back inside the door. She wouldn't tell whoever it was she was there. She would suprise him. Not the other way around. Opening the door carefully, the guitar slung over her shoulder, ready to strike.

"Hey," she heard.

Screaming, she turned to face Tommy, and the door slammed shut behind her.

"No!" Tommy screamed, heading toward the door and checking the handle.

It didn't budge.

"_No_," Jude thought.

"Good thinkin', Einstein," Tommy said sarcastically.

Jude remained silent, still holding her guitar like a bat. Trembling. He'd scared her so much... Tommy's eyes softened at the sight of her. Frozen in fear. Suddenly so jumpy. He didn't understand. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. Not knowing how to act, he placed a hand on her arm and she snapped back to reality. Shooting away from him quickly and then relaxing, lowering her guitar to her side. Letting out a shakey sigh.

"I came to see you," he told her. "I got off on the wrong floor... We have to talk."

Jude's eyes grew wide as she waited for him to begin. He sat beside her. She couldn't handle this. Feeling so helpless. He didn't mean it, she understood. But, that wasn't enough.

"You fired me?" he asked quietly.

Jude shrugged, unable to meet his eyes.

"Why?" Tommy needed an answer. He needed to understand what was going on.

"I don't know," Jude said. "I... I don't know."

"You don't know?" Tommy shook his head, amazed. "You _fired _me, Jude, and you don't know why."

"I just wish you'd stop," she shook her head. "I'm fine, I just wish you'd stop."

"I'm worried about you, girl," Tommy.

Her skin felt heavy. She had a headache. It took too much concentration to breathe. Jude was weak, the force of gravity too strong to fight as she had before. She couldn't stand straight, pulled down and down. Always falling. There was no way to explain any of this to Tommy. There was no way to fix this. She was being buried. She was being smothered. There was nothing but the dirt piling higher and higher over her head. No sunlight. Just worms and maggots eating away at her skin. Jude turned back to the door and pulled at the handle, and pushed, and tried not to cry. She kicked it, and she punched it, and she slumped back against it. Her eyes closed all the while. Feeling Tommy's gaze boring through her skin. Maybe she'd just lie. Get it over with.

"Spied and I broke up," she said. "I thought I loved him. But, I didn't. I don't think I can. I don't think I'm capable of love."

It was supposed to be a front. She was supposed to make something up, mis-direct Tommy. Get him off her back. But, the words sounded too true. They struck her, wrapping themselves around her heart and squeezing. She had loved Tommy. It was something she'd cultivated. The longing had owned her. It was all she knew. But, it was gone, now. Replaced by fear. By the Monster Man. The Monster Man inside every man. Tommy couldn't love her without becomming that in her eyes. He already was, somehow. Even though she knew it was wrong to think. He wasn't a bad person. But, to want her... She shuddered. She was incapable of loving. How disgusting was that?

"This is a creature on fire with love," Tommy said, suddenly sitting beside her. "But, it's still scary because people think love only looks like one thing, instead of the whole world."

"What?" Jude asked, blinking.

"It's a quote," he explained. "Brian Andreas. Maybe nothing inside you looks like love right now, or feels like love right now. But, that doesn't mean it's not love, girl. You have too much passion in that heart. And, nothing can take that away."

Something already had. She nodded as though she found the words comforting. He had no idea. It was nice of him to try.

"Maybe," she stood, brushing off her clothes and beginning to wander about the room. "What is this place?"

"I think we're at the Chrome Cat," Tommy smiles distantly. "It used to be in this area..."

Jude tilted her head slightly to observe Tommy with interest. He began to walk around the room, his face painted with some emotion she found hard to identify. Something like awe. She could imagine wearing that expression in a temple. In a far off country and observing ancient ruins. In a submarine looking out the window to the vast ocean surrounding her. In an airplane flying over the clouds. But, this place was dusty, objects covered in sheets. The air felt humid, clinging to her skin. She felt dirty. What the hell was the Chrome Cat?

"The _Chrome Cat_," Tommy said, pulling off one of the sheets and revealing a piano beneath, "was It. Artists used to stop by here on their way through town. Sinatra would have played here."

Jude stopped listening to the words for a moment. She focused, rather, on the boyish excitement. The way his lit up as he explained. She focused on the flow of his voice. The way it wrapped around her. Warm and safe. Suddenly, he was safe again. For the time being, she supposed. A smile playing lightly at her lips, remembering when she was small and her father spoke of The Beatles this way. And it had always enchanted her. His stories, and the happines it brought to his eyes. Tommy's eyes were like that, then. And he was letting her remember something good, for once. He was soothing. Drifting her someplace else. But, suddenly his words pulled her back. Something about Elvis, and a rumor. Looking at his face, Jude knew why she had always loved him. And maybe he was right. Maybe it was still inside her. All that love. But she wasn't sure if it really made a difference anymore.

"Sad to see it looking like this," Tommy drummed his hands on the piano.

"Yeah," Jude nodded.

She still didn't know how talk. She was afraid the words would come bubbling up her throat. That the truth would escape. Wandering around the room, peering into boxes, she avoided meeting Tommy's eyes. Felt them following her every step. He breathed carefully, the frustration aching inside his body. This wasn't just about Spied. There was more to it than that. Tommy knew her better than that. Sitting down at the piano, he began to play, trying to set his mind at ease. He watched as Jude suddenly pulled out a box and placed it on a lower counter. Fishing through it, she pulled out candles, and gathering them in her arms, headed toward Tommy.

"You have any matches?" Jude asked, hopefully.

"Even better," Tommy smiled, pulling his lighter out of his pocket.

She lit them all and Tommy watched her spread them out across the room. There was something different about her movements, her walk, her face. Something was missing. Maybe the confidence. Jude didn't look like she knew where she was going anymore. Her face seemed weary, and sunken. Everything she did, she looked hesitant about doing. Spied didn't do that to her. She settled herself down in an old chair, curling herself up into a ball. He remembered the crackers in his pocket and stopped playing.

"Hungry?" he asked.

"I guess," Jude shrugged.

"I'll order us a pizza,"Tommy joked.

A slight smile appeared on Jude's face as Tommy pulled crackers out. He waved them for her to see.

"From lunch," he told her.

"Did you pocket the free butter, too?" Jude laughed.

She paused. Shock from the courage in words. She glanced at Tommy nervously, his expression unreadable. But, he had seen. The shock in her eyes at the sound of her voice. She looked worried. If she was afraid to tell a joke, Tommy wondered if she was afraid to sing. She stood, crossing the room slowly, taking one of the crackers from his hand.

"Back in my day," he said, faking the voice of an old man, "we were grateful for crackers."

Jude cracked another smile and bit off a small corner. She ate slowly, carefully. She seemed uninterested. How could she not be hungry?

"This," Tommy said, trying to make conversation, make her smile. "This is tourtiere."

Jude shot him a questioning glance and he went on to explain.

"Momamare, she used to make it. It's a meat pie... Pork, spice, it's the best pastry. See, we only got it at revion."

"You french, Quincy?" Jude asked tentatively.

He frowned, wishing she wouldn't talk like that. Look away from him like that. He would rather suffer her wrath, the angry Jude from before. He didn't like this. It was scaring him.

"You actually think my name is Quincy," he said in mock-seriousness.

She half-smiled again. Considered her options as he finished his cracker. Turning away from him, she decided to make peace.

"I'm sorry for being so mad at you, before," she told him. "About Sadie..."

"Well, even directed at me," Tommy took his chance to make a stab at Jude. "It's even better than no emotion at all."

"I have emotion," she said softly, confused.

"Really?" he said, the words biting. "Then prove it."

"Tommy, I," Jude shook her head, at a loss for words.

"How about we write song," Tommy suggested.

Jude held her breath. She couldn't write a song with Tommy. She couldn't write songs for other people anymore. They had to be kept her secrets. But, she couldn't refuse Tommy, either. She didn't see the point in saying "no" ever again.


	4. Song to Say Goodbye

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. The song in this story is "The Song to Say Goodbye" by Placebo.

* * *

**Chapter four.**

_xoxo_

I can hear my cellphone ringing through the pipes. I left my bag upstairs. I took my guitar and I left my bag. I'm an idiot. Tommy says nothing, and I'm grateful for that. He goes to move, but I cross the room first. I speed my way over to him and pull a chair beside the piano. I don't want to use my guitar. I prop it against the piano and fold my legs. He finds a notebook and a pencil. I'm scared. I don't know what I left in me to write about. I can't remember what my songs used to be. It seems forever ago. I'm reminded of the look on Tommy's face as I try to reflect. The one when he realized where we were. My old self is something ancient, and untouchable. I think if I ever were to find her, I'd have that face. That awe. Of who I once could be. Never again.

"Story about a girl?" Tommy asks.

"Yeah," I nod.

"And..." he waves his hand for me to continue.

"And, she's singing to someone," I don't know what else to say.

"To who?" he's being so patient, I can't understand it.

"Herself," my voice barely a whisper.

"What's she saying?" Tommy's face so blank, and I can't breathe.

"She misses her," I don't know if that makes sense.

None of this does.

Tommy begins to play, the notes feeling like shards of broken glass. Mirrors, reflecting. Hanging like wind-chimes, twinkling in the wind. And they take me, carry me somewhere. I can feel my voice, climbing up my mouth, escaping from my lips. I couldn't have stopped it, not even if I'd wanted to.

_"You are one of God's mistakes,  
You crying, tragic waste of skin,  
I'm well aware of how it aches,  
And you still won't let me in.  
Now I'm breaking down your door,  
To try and save your swollen face,  
Though I don't like you anymore,  
You lying, trying waste of space."_

The music doesn't stop, doesn't let me go. I hate me. This new me, this stupid, clumsy, chicken-shit me. The old me, the one from the Before, she was beautiful. I remember feeling beautiful, once. Like you smell rain on the asphalt and remember the way it feels pouring hard against your skin. My eyes are closed. I can't stop now. If I stop, I'll never open my mouth again.

_"Before our innocence was lost,  
You were always one of those,  
Blessed with lucky sevens,  
And the voice that made me cry.  
My Oh My."_

I had no idea what innocence really meant. I had no idea what it felt like to hurt. Dad cheating on mom, and the divorce, and her dating Don, and Sadie with Tommy, then not with Tommy. That love I had for Tommy. That crazy, amazing, desperate love. And Kat, and Spied, and Jamie. I had no idea what it was like to hurt. I only thought I understood.

_"You were mother nature's one,  
Someone to whom I could relate,  
Your needle and your damage done,  
Remains a sorted twist of fate.  
Now I'm trying to wake you up,  
To pull you from the liquid sky,  
Coz if I don't we'll both end up,  
With just your song to say goodbye.  
My Oh My."_

It's not fair that I had to die. It's not fair that I have to stay. Just this ghost, translucent, haunted, haunting. I can walk through walls and sink through the ground, but I can't forget.

_"A song to say goodbye,  
A song to say goodbye,  
A song to say... _

Before our innocence was lost,  
You were always one of those,  
Blessed with lucky sevens,  
And the voice that made me cry.

It's a song to say goodbye."

I stop, finished, exhausted. Struck suddenly by the silence. It's been quiet for a long time, only my voice echoing and bouncing off of the walls. I'm afraid to open my eyes. I don't want to see Tommy. I don't want Tommy to see me. If I listen closely enough, I hear the soft scratching of a pen against paper. And, I know he's writing the words down. The words meant for me and only me. The secrets. No longer secrets. How much did those lyrics give away? Could he tell by reading? Would he know? I breathe deeply and listen. To the scratching, and scratching, and then... nothing. I have to know, now. I have to look. So I lift my lids.

Tommy won't look at me. He's staring down at the paper with my newest lyrics. He's looking at the piano keys, the candle's flame. He looks lost, his eyes big, glassy. And, I am a horrible person. Because he didn't deserve this. That fear. I gave him that fear. And it's all over me. For me. He doesn't deserve it. This. It's my problem, not his. He shouldn't have to suffer over my problem. I shouldn't have done that to him. I should keep my mouth shut. I can't trust me. I should never trust me again. He doesn't deserve this. I'm a horrible person. I'm a horrible, horrible person.

"Jude," he says quietly, his eyes downcast.

No, that's not my name. Jude is a dead body lying in an alleyway. With white skin and blue lips. That's not my name. I have no name. I am nothing, and I am no one. Tommy can't even look at me.

"Talk to me, Jude," he whispers. "Talk to me. Please."

I hear the way his voice breaks. Why is he so scared? Why can't he forget? My phone ringing and ringing upstairs. Leave me alone, the whole world. Just leave me alone. I won't answer him. I won't look at him. I stand up, the tears brimming in my eyes. I need to get out of this room. The sticking tomy body. Clogging my throat, filling my lungs, all the exits. I can't escape. I can't breathe. The air that's notair at all. It's like that movie, Event Horizon. The boy got sucked into outer space and all his veins were bulging. Blood came from out of his eyes and mouth and nose. From beneath his finger-nails and toe-nails. I'm dying.

I'm standing. I'm at the door. I don't know how I got here. I don't know anything. Just that I can't get out. I can't get out. My fists banging on the door. I don't know Tommy. Tommy doesn't know me. This room is too small. And, I just keep banging. Slamming my fists. Let me out. Someone, let me out. I don't want to be here anymore. In this place. In me. But I'm trapped. I'll never be free again. Never ever again. I keep banging on these doors and they won't open. I can't get out, I can't get out. I'm dead already. Starved from smiles and beautiful music and sunlight. I'm dead already. And, the door won't open. There's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can ever do. This is forever. It doesn't matter how hard I pound. There's nothing I can do. Falling back and letting my knuckles drag against the wall, shredding the skin. Nothing hurts anymore. Nothing except the bone-breaking sobs. My heart too big, pressing against my ribs, and breaking.

Arms around me. Strong arms and chest, wrapping me and holding me. This isn't what I wanted. Ever. I pull back. I have to fight back. He can't hold me. He doesn't understand what it means to be held. He doesn't know how it hurts. He doesn't know. He can't know. He can't understand. He has to stop it, now. He has to let me go. It's too late. He's not holding anyone anymore. I'm already dead. Can't he see that? Let me go, let me go. There's nothing to hold. Don't give me hope. Don't make me think it could ever be okay again. Just let me go. Stop it. Stop it. Tommy, you have to stop it. Let me go. Let me go. But, I weaken. I can't fight him anymore. I don't want to. And, he's just holding me. Mywails echoing, and bouncing off the walls. I feel him lift me, carry me. Cradling me in his arms, strong arms, settling us down on the couch. I curl against him, sobbing and sobbing. His body rocks in silent sobs. I'm scaring him. And, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. My eye-lids drift shut. I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. All the blood draining. From my eyes and mouth. And nose. From beneath my finger-nails. My toe-nails. I'm dying. And, for the first time since It happened, I drift to sleep.

**IIIII**

_"I'm your lover, Jude. I'm your lover. And, you don't know what that is yet, but you will. I'm the most gentle lover, Jude. I'll touch you so delicate, like you deserve to be touched. Like an angel. And, when I'm fillin' that secret place inside you-"_

My eyes snapping open, my own yelp filling the silence, waking me, and Tommy. It takes me a moment to remember where we are, what we're doing here. What happened to us. The reason why my cheeks are sticky with dried tears. I don't want to see the questions inside Tommy's eyes. I don't want to see the questions in his eyes. I don't want to face this. But, he's so warm. I don't want to move, either. I can't bring myself to run.

"Hi," Tommy's voice so tender.

He pets my hair softly and I lean back against him. Emotions brewing in my stomach, tumbling, he's stirring things up inside me. I don't know what I feel.

"Hi," I whisper.

I lean back against him and we sit there for a long time. Silent. I want to kiss him. I know I can't. But, I feel his lips on the top of my head. I breathe carefully. Stirring everything up. I don't know. It feels strange. Neither bad, nor good. Just something. Better than nothing. Then the door opens and I hate whoever does that. Opens that door. It's either Sadie, or Jamie, or mom. All three appear in the doorway, confused looks on their face. Inside here, I could sit with Tommy forever. Out there, I have to pretend. I have to go back to the way it was. I'll never sleep again. I jump to my feet, releaved smile suddenly painted on my face. I don't know how I'm doing this. I just am.

"Thank god," I say. "We've been trapped in here all night. I'm starving."

I don't look at Tommy. I'm only aware of the fact that he lingers. I'm out the door, and headed upstairs, but he stays to collect my guitar. My lyrics. Blow out the candles.


	5. I'm Going to Let You Hurt Me

**Disclaimer: **I don't own jack. This song is Criminal, by Alexz Johnson. Random quotes by T.S. Eliot from The Waste Land. I've also quoted Brian Kinney from Queer as Folk. The thing the monster man says. Yeah...

**Note:** The quotes through this story are in parentheses and bold.

* * *

**Chapter five.**

He looked like Cillian Murphy. The bad man in Red Eye. His face long, skin pale and smooth. High cheek-bones, piercing blue eyes, like the Monster Man's eyes. His lips pouted, body strong. Sloppy brown hair. He wore sex like cologne. He was Cillian Murphy to Jude. The essence of him, the way he made her feel. Like she wanted to scream and run away, or kiss him hard on the mouth. Or both. Only, that was every man to Jude, now. Cillian Murphy had just been one of the few that made her feel that way Before. An eerie, sexual vibe. But, this was the After, and men couldn't be anything but sexual. She knew what they had inside all of them. What they all could do. Every man, now, was a sexual being. She couldn't look at one and not wonder what they would be like to touch, and be touched by. She couldn't look at one and wonder what he could do. She couldn't forget.

**(I remember  
Those are pearls that were his eyes.)**

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hello," he replied. "I'm James Quantrill. And, you must be Jude Harrison. It's nice to meet you."

They shook hands, his face beaming so kindly. But, his hand felt different from his gaze. His hand was big, and warm, and strong. Capable. Powerful. He could do so many things to her with those hands. Dropping it, Jude let her arms hang limply at her sides. She was wrong to think those things. She had no right. He was just a man. James Quantrill. He smiled so sweetly. She was a mental rapist, wasn't she? She was just like the Monster. Contorting the world. Insane. It was disgusting. She didn't even know James. He wasn't a bad person. He just had a firm handshake. That's supposed to be a good sign in the world. He was just James Quantrill. Her new producer.

Every memory blurred and spinning inside the blender that was her mind. Shredded and colorful but sensless. Orderless. All that she knew was what she had, and what she didn't. Kwest. She didn't have Kwest anymore. He asked too many questions. Just like Tommy. Worse than Tommy because she thought that she could trust him. Trust him to stay the same. But, he didn't. He got worried, asked too many questions. She had to fire him and avoid him, too. Darius didn't ask questions. He was nice enough because Jude was doing well enough. Though, his new name for her was "Diva".

"I'm really looking forward to working with you," James said.

He had an irishaccent. There was something wrong with her attraction. It wasn't normal. Not the way she'd felt for men Before. This time there was something dark beneath her needs. She nodded. So quiet. Unsure. Wanting and fearing. She didn't know what to do with herself anymore. What words and thoughts to trust. Like some unreliable narrator. Where you know what's going on inside your head, and you think you understand it. You think you do. Except, every bit of it's a lie. She knew that, too. Everything was a lie, and it was wrong, and ugly. This man was standing in front of her, and she wanted to fuck him. It would only make things worse. But, maybe that's what Jude needed. To hurt herself so badly she would never be afraid again. What would be left in the world to fear? When you have nothing, there's nothing to lose. When you've sunk to the bottom, the only way to go is up. Over his shoulder, she noticed Tommy enter G-Major. She'd been dancing around him all week. They hadn't spoke once and she wasn't sure how she'd managed that. She only knew that she didn't want to start now. Taking hold of Jame's wrist, she pulled him inside Studio C, locking the door behind her.

"Lets get started then," she said happily. "I have a song I'm actually ready to record."

"Great," he says. "Our first song."

She grinned, that was cute of him to say. Then they set up. She didn't feel nervous about singing this one. He didn't know her. He couldn't be concerned. He had nothing to compare this to. She settled on her stool and before he could press Record, the door swung open. It was Tommy, shutting it behind him. Saying things she couldn't hear through the glass. She prayed that James would be angry and kick him out, or something. But, he didn't. He smiled. Motioned for Tommy to have a seat, though Tommy shook his head. He stayed on his feet, leaning against the wall, arms folded. His eyes sending shivers shooting down her spine. She cleared her throat. So much for nerves. He pressed Record. She sang.

_"I won't deny, I faked it  
Don't wanna lie, I'm jaded  
I wanna scream when inside I'm breaking down  
I've left the stone I was under  
I'm running home, you won't find her  
She walks alone all through this broken town."_

She kept her eyes closed. She kept them on James. On the walls, the floor, whatever. Never Tommy. Tommy, clenching his teeth. His whole body rigid, cold. He felt the wrong inside his chest and spreading. He didn't know how to save her. Always scooping her up off the ground when she'd fallen. This time she had yet to land. There was nothing he could do. Except watch. Maybe catch her.

_"Goin' the wrong way down a one way street  
Where the feeling is criminal  
Nobody helps me out when I bleed  
Just a look, look, looking for someone like me  
Where the feeling is mutual  
Can anybody see what I see  
Cuz I don't see me."_

Tommy ached. He could see through her skin, the way everything inside her, all the veins and muscles were collapsing. He wanted to wrap himself around her, hold her there inside of him. Keep her safe. Love her.

_"I blow away the ashes  
I clear his face to look at it  
He stole my name while I waited lost and found  
I found a place where I'll keep you  
Cuz I won't live through you or beneath you  
I walk this way where these winds won't bring me down."_

Tommy stopped breathing. Who stole Jude's name?

_"Goin' the wrong way down a one way street  
Where the feeling is criminal  
Nobody helps me out when I bleed  
Just a look, look, looking for someone like me  
Where the feeling is mutual  
Can anybody see what I see  
Cuz I don't see me, don't. _

Let me be  
Stayin at all  
Don't waste it on me  
Cuz if I take a chance  
And if I hurt again  
And if I let you in  
Be my reckoning  
Ooo, hey!"

What happened to her? His stomach twisting. What happened?

_"Goin' the wrong way down a one way street  
Where the feeling is criminal  
Nobody helps me out when I bleed  
Just a look, look, looking for someone like me  
Where the feeling is mutual  
Can anybody see what I see  
Cuz I don't see me."_

He had no idea.

**(Sweet Thames, run softly till I end my song,  
****Sweet Thames, run softly, for I speak not loud or long.  
****But at my back in a cold blast I hear  
****The rattle of the bones, and chuckle spread from ear to ear.)**

* * *

_xoxo_

I can't read lips. I can't understand them. Talking. Pointing to the sound-board and talking. My Tommy. My Tommy, not mine. Don't let him in James. He's a liar, a manipulator. He's not what you want him to be. And, there's nothing I can say. Papa Bear advising Baby Bear. He'll kill you first, James. Before he lets you take his place. Maul you, shred you. But, maybe I'm talking about myself again. I don't know anymore. It hurts to think. My throat is dry. There are no words.

**(I could not  
Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither  
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,  
****Looking into the heart of light, the silence.  
Oed' und leer das Meer.)**

"Alright, Jude," James says through the silence. "That was just about perfect. I think we'll give it one more shot, and that's a wrap. I'll give you a quick break first, though. Tommy wants to talk to you."

"I'd rather not," I tell him. "I'd rather just sing the song."

Don't look at Tommy. Don't even think about Tommy. Don't remember his smiles, and his glares. The way he raised his eyebrows, ran his fingers through his hair, watched me. The way he's watching me now. Don't even think. Too late. He's looking at me and James is saying something, confused. He's sounds as silent to Tommy as he does to me. I meet the blue eyes with my own. And, I shouldn't have done that. He's begging for answers. He's begging. And I can't give them. I know as much as he does. Less. And, if I open my mouth, all that he'll have is the black hole inside me. A swarm of knives flying at his face. It won't help us any. My life is a city of ruins. I'm sorry. I have nothing to give you.

**(I will show you fear in a handful of dust.)**

Tommy uncrosses his arms. He stands straighter. One more moment, his anchor eyes pulling me down. Then he's gone. Flying out the door and away. I hear the slam, even though I can't.

**IIIII**

**(He who was living is now dead  
****We who were living are now dying  
****With a little patience.)**

I am in love with the Monster Man. I am obsessed by him. It's a matter of not biting the hand that feeds you. Just licking it's fingerson your hands and knees like a dog. I live off of fear, and anger, and sadness. Ivy growing in a shadow. Daddy, you're little girl grew up and ran away to Ireland. The Ireland that James tells me about. With it's stars and it's fields and it's peace. You're little girl grew up, daddy, and you wouldn't like who she's become. Be grateful I stopped taking your calls. The one good thing in my life. I'm just saving you from disappointment. My mom and her Don. Sadie and her distance. But, dad... Daddy... I have to push you away.

I think these things with his photo in my hand. Daddy. It's been two days. Three days. Five. I don't know. I only know how to avoid things. Like Tommy, and Kwest, and Darius, and dead-lines. I'm home and then I'm not home. I'm singing and then I'm not singing. The moments seperate. I forget how they link in the end. I don't care.

**(I can connect  
Nothing with nothing  
The broken fingernails of dirty hands.)**

Mom and Don are getting married. I don't want think about that. It can't mean anything right now. I'm just understanding that I'm not a virgin anymore. That I'll never ever have this special first time. James comes into the room and I don't even know how to see him. See anything beyond the memory. Burn my name, my mouth, my eyes. Burn my memory. I am not right. I can only feel the echo of his words. Things I had forgotten. Something buried inside myself.James istalking but I can't hear him. I don't even remember where I am or how I got here. Is he in my house? Is this my room? Are we at the studio? I can't breathe. I think the Monster Man said more things to me than I can remember.James istalking and I won't hear it.

_"I want you always to remember this,"_ he'd said. The monster of a man. _"So no matter who you're with, I'll always be there."_

There's another face in front of mine. I can't breathe. Burn my name.James was here, still is here, I don't know. Burn my mouth.James issaying things but I can't understand. I can't see his face. Burn my eyes. Stones piling ontop of my chest, crushing my ribs against my heart. Burn my memory. I wish he'd murdered me. I wish he'd murdered me. I wish he'd murdered me. I wish he'd murdered me. I am not right. Go away, James. Leave me alone. I'm never alone. Monster Man's a skeleton inside my closet. I'm locked inside the closet, too. His bone fingers over my mouth. Around my wrists. I am not right. I am not right. Fuck off, James. Get out of my head. It's too crowded for you. He's touching me and I can't feel his hands. His face is so close and his eyes are afraid. Screw you, James. There's no such thing as love. I won't cry. I can't cry.

**(Fear death by water.)**

**IIIII**

That night and it's hard to remember the time from between then and now. Just that something happened inside of me. A twister inside my mind.

"I'm sorry for scaring you, earlier," I tell James. "A lot of stuff has been getting to me lately. I guess I just kind of broke down."

"I'm so sorry, Jude," James smiles softly. "I had no idea."

"Well, I haven't really told anybody," I shrug. "It's not your fault... My mom, she's, uh, getting re-married."

"I'm sorry," he shook his head understandingly. "That must be hard for you."

"Yeah," I nod, chewing on my bottom lip in a way that I know appears sexy. "And, I'm not a big fan of the fiance, either. He was her divorce lawyer."

"You're kidding me?" he laughs.

"No, no, my friend," I say. "I kid you not."

It's so easy being with him. Talking to him. Like nothing happened. He can't tell the difference from this Jude to the Before Jude. He has no idea how much he'd love me. If I was still that girl. Before. She was so beautiful, and happy. He would have loved her, and loved her. My eyes are almost welling with tears. I'm tired of suffocating. He keeps looking at me like he wants to kiss me. And, I just wish he would. I don't know why. It would destroy me, I get that. But, maybe I don't want to be careful. Smart. Do the right thing. Fuck the right thing. Maybe being destroyed is the only way I'll be left alone. Because there's nothing left to take. I'm falling off a cliff. I just keep falling. It's time to slam against the earth. Shatter every bone.

"Thank you for being there," I tell him. "Thanks for not freaking out. You know, listening."

"Of course," he says.

"I really appreciate it," I continue. "It means a lot to me."

I keep inching closer. He's not realizing at first. It doesn't register, none of it does. Not until I'm too close. Right in front of him. Looking at him and asking. Asking with my silence, with my face, with my eyes. My hands on his chest. Feeling the muscles beneath the fabric of his shirt. So capable of doing anything he wants to me. Show me. Show me what you can do. Show me what you are. Show me. His smile changes. To a frown. Uncomftorable. He wanted this. Now he's not so sure. Don't you back down on me. You asshole, don't you be afraid. This is what you want. This is what you are. Show me. Show me. The truth about men. The monsters in men. Show me.

I press my lips against his lips. He kisses back, uncertainly. I have to pull my body closer. Heat like fire licking our skin. There has to be more than this. I step back. Look into his eyes, that contact never breaking. Don't be afraid of me. Trust me. I should be the one afraid. Pulling my shirt up and over my head. The moment he returns to view, something has changed. Fear, fear, fear. Coward. Fucking coward.

"We can't do this, Jude," he breathes.

"We can do anything," I tell him. Un-button my jeans. "Make love to me."

"You're too young for me," he blinks.

"Tell me, James," my voice harsh. "What defines age? What youth do I have to salvage? What are you trying to save me from?"

I slip off my jeans and now it's just the bra and the panties. He looks so sad. The pain etched on his face like years behind bars. I'm not the wrong one. I'm not the bad one. I'm not. He wants this. I'm giving him what he wants.

"God," he whispers.

"There's no such thing as God," I say. "There's only what you want."

**(And I Tiresias have foresuffered all  
****Enacted on this same divan or bed;  
****I who have sat by Thebes below the wall  
****And walked among the lowest of the dead.)**

James swallows. Walks across the room. Locks the door. There's a moment where everything inside me freezes. The moment between the click of the lock and his turning back to face me. His eyes drilling holes inside my body. So sad. Unclasping my bra, sliding down my panties. I have to un-button his jeans, un-zip them. He can do whatever he wants to me, but not that. Not take off his jeans. I don't know why. It has to be this way. It has to be this way. It has to...


	6. We Are Building a Complex

**Disclaimers:** Not mine. The song in this chapter is The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance.

* * *

**Chapter six.**

"What's wrong, Jude?" they say. "Just tell me what's wrong." Sad eyes following, helpless. She wouldn't look at Tommy. She could feel Tommy when he passed her by, but she couldn't look. And, Kwest, she had to start avoiding him, too. "Look at me, Jude." Portia was easier. Darius knew nothing. Jamie frowned and never spoke. Spiederman spoke and never frowned. Her mother was married, and leaving for Europe. Her father was worried, but for the wrong reasons. He blamed her mother for making her sad like Sadie was sad. "Talk to me, Jude." Sadie knew she had changed before the engagement. She blamed Spied for Jude's problems, and took her out shopping to _forget about boys_. But, it wasn't a boy inside Jude's mind. It was Jude inside a man's. Trapped there. How could she forget the cage in which she was trapped? How could she forget? "Jude, what's wrong?"

**IIIII**

"I want to know everything about you," James said, stroking her hair.

"There's not a lot to know," Jude shrugged him off, uninterested.

His touches made her skin crawl. His eyes, and his smile... It was too nice, and fake. He couldn't be just what he was. He had to pretend that it meant something. That _they _actually meant something. Other than sex. But, Jude knew better. She didn't believe it for a second. Men were men. They knew what they wanted. He didn't have to pretend with her. She knew what he wanted to. Turning back to James, she knew she had to show him. Remind him. Standing and stretching, making sure her shirt lifted just enough. He could see her skin, creamy white, her navel. Straddling his lap, she kissed him with force. Hard on the mouth and craving back the anger. Wanting the pain. But, he pulled back. Looked at her carefully, caressed her cheek. He leaned forward again, his lips lightly brushing against hers. Too sweet, and slow, and gentle. Jude stood again, huffing in frustration.

"Lets just get to work," she sighed.

**IIIII**

_"I never said I'd lie and wait forever  
If I died, we'd be together  
I can't always just forget her  
But she could try _

At the end of the world  
Or the last thing I see  
You are  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?  
And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever ever...  
Ever..."

Jude's voice deep and smooth like red velvet and pain and passion.

_"Get the feeling that you're never  
All alone and I remember now  
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies  
She dies _

At the end of the world  
Or the last thing I see  
You are  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? should I?  
And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?  
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

If I fall  
If I fall (down)"

Another hopeless song written for a dead girl in an alley.

_"At the end of the world  
Or the last thing I see  
You are  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
And all the things that you never ever told me  
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
Never coming home  
Never coming home  
Could I? Should I?  
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
For all the ghosts that are never gonna..."_

Jude sang, and she sang. All the while eaten alive by maggots.

* * *

_xoxo_

"I love you," James says. "I need you."

"Shut up," I cover my ears and I close my eyes. "Shut up, shut up, shut up. Shut up."

No. There is no such thing as love. No. I know better than that. He's lying. He's a monster of a man. He's had sex with me, and he'll want to have sex with me again. He can pretend to be nice, hide behind love. But, love is just a pretty cover to an empty book. I see right through it. I know he's lying. He's lying. He's a werewolf. They all are. A hard on like a full moon. They change. I'm not a person anymore. I'm just their dinner. I could throw up. My stomach twisting into knots. He thinks he loves me. I know better than that. I know better.

"Jude?" he asks.

"Love is a bedtime story," I say, disgusted. "Love doesn't exist. It's not real, it's a myth. A lie we tell ourselves so we can sleep easy. You want to fuck me, then fuck me. Don't_ make love_ to me. That's bullshit."

I have my hands on his chest. I'm staring into his eyes. James, do you understand now? I shove my tongue down his throat and grab his crotch through his jeans. Do you understand? I feel the way he grows against my palm, and suddenly his hands are on my wrists. Flipping us over on the couch. Him heavy above me. Be rough with me, James. Show me. Werewolf. Show me. Prove me right. I'm not sick, and I'm not stupid. I'm not ugly. The things I think aren't sick, or stupid, or ugly. They're true. Prove it. Make me love me again. Make me not blame me. Make me hate you. Make me blame you. Werewolf. If I look closely, I can see the fire in his eyes.

**IIIII**

My neck is purpled where he sucked and sucked the skin. Vampire. Werewolf. Hickey. My wrists are bruised where he held them too tight. I think of brick-walls, and shivers, and slow steps, and alley-ways. The monster man. James just like him. Thinking he loved me. Everyone just like him. The whole world. I'm wearing a choker and Sadie wants to go shopping some more. She wants to go out to dinner. She wants me to be happy. I won't cry, I won't cry. Sitting alone in the studio, we finished recording, we finished having sex. I'm tired. I want to go home. I want to hide beneath my covers. I want snow-days and rain showers. I want the ocean, I want the sun. James keeps kissing me. Now we're just lying here in our underwear and kissing. He wants to cuddle. I hate him. I want to fire him. I wonder how that'd go.

"I think you should quit," I say. "I think this isn't working out."

"What?" he pulls back, confused.

"Us," I tell him. "It's just not working out. I think you should quit."

"Jude," he looks lost. "Don't do this."

He's pleading with me. He's looking at me like I'm the bad guy. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am. I don't know if I care. I gather my clothes, start getting dressed. He jumps to his feet and grabs hold of my shoulders.

"Jude," he's begging. "Stop it. I love you. Don't do this."

"Let go of me," I say.

"Jude," he doesn't listen. "Jude... Please..."

"Let go of me, James," I repeat.

"You're heartless," his eyes go wide, as though shocked. "You're fucking heartless."

"Let go of me," I close my eyes.

And, his hands are gone. So fast, as though I'd burnt him. I hear his feet backing away on the floor. I won't open my eyes. I won't move. Just listen.

"You're a cold-hearted bitch," he says. "I will quit."

I can't tell if he's crying or not. I hear the door open and slam behind him. I know I'm alone. I won't open my eyes. I won't move.

**IIIII**

"Care to explain why you keep goin' through producers, Jude?" Darius asks me in his office.

"I can't," I tell him. "I don't know myself. Tommy was just too much, I needed a break from him. Kwest is Tommy's right-hand man, so that wasn't a break at all... James, well,I don't know what his problem was."

"It was you, Jude," Darius says bluntly. "He called you a little monster."

My stomach drops. Cold bolts of lightening shooting through my body. I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster...

"What a jerk," I say, pretending to be offended, not scared.

"Well, you know what I'm thinkin'?" Darius asks, then doesn't wait for an answer. "I'm thinkin' that your break from Tommy's up."

"Darius, no," I try to protest.

"Your best work has always been with Tom, Jude," he says. "No arguing me on this one. He's waitin' for you in Studio B. Get over there."

**IIIII**

"Hey," Tommy whirls around in his chair to face me.

"Hi," I say.

Shift my weight from foot to foot. It's awkward, and I'm too shy to say anything else. This is Tommy, and that makes me insane, I know. I'm afraid of something, here. Of what I feel. Almost those old butterflies. The memory of them, at least. I want to kiss him. But, I know I can't do that. He's not like James. But, that doesn't make sense either. If he's not like James, he's not the monster man. If he's not like the monster man, then I am. Maybe that does make sense. I don't want it to.

"Sit," Tommy motions to the empty seat beside his. "I just finished listening to your latest stuff. You know, caught up with what I missed."

I can't tell if he's saying that in a bitter way or not. It doesn't seem so. I can't look at his face, or into his eyes. Only quick glances before I turn away again. I'm sorry, Tommy. I'm so sorry. But, I don't know what to say to him. So, I nod. And, then, he nods. Understanding my silence. I see him smirk, just for an instant, so quickly I'm not sure if I made it up inside my mind. But, I think he smirked. Bitterly. As if to say, "so this is how it's gonna be?" I'm sorry. I am. I really am. He rubs his mouth with his hand and considers.

"You still writing about that girl?" he asks. "Is that who those songs are for?"

He's thinking of the one I wrote on my birthday. He's remembering the story. The reason. Yes, Tommy, I'm still writing about that girl. I can't not write about her. She's haunting me. Hiding inside my reflection. I can't look into the mirror without seeing her face. The ghost that won't leave me alone. Yes, I'm still writing for her. To her. I love her and I hate her. I can't stop anymore. I notice him looking at my neck and realize I forgot to wear a choker, a turtle-neck, anything to cover it up. He can see the hickey perfectly. Fuck.

"What's that?" he asks when he sees that I've noticed.

"Um," I shake my head. I don't know how to talk to him.

"Is that a hickey?" his voice is harsh, pitch raised."Who gave you that?"

"Um," I shake my head. I don't know how to lie to him.

"James?" he looks so scared, like he's begging me not to nod.

I don't do anything. I don't try to say anything. I just look at him and try not to remember anything about it. About James. The way his tongue felt against my skin, and the way he moved inside me. The way he trembled for me. The way he worshipped me. Only my producer for such a short time, and already delusional with the idea of love.

"What happened?" Tommy's eyes so big. "Between you two, what happened?"

"He thought he loved me," I blink, looking over his shoulder.

"Jude?" Tommy questions.

"We had sex," I look at him this time.

I wait. And watch him recoil. His face twisting. Eyes squinting and mouth agape. He shakes his head, so confused. He shakes his head and opens his mouth. Snaps it shut. Stands up and runs his fingers through his hair. Begins to pace. Lost.

"Why?" he breathes. "What happened to you? Something happened to you. Tell me what happened."

I feel the words inside of me. Like this bomb in my throat. Climbing upwards and up. Dancing on the tip of my tongue, sliding between my teeth, pressing against my closed lips. They want out. They want to tell him. Those three words. What happened to me? It's right there, in my mind. Repeating itself. In my mouth. Waiting for freedom. The ticking bomb. Does he deserve it? I let it out and it explodes. Kills us both. I swallow it down and it just kills me. I'm already dead. Does he deserve it? No. Nobody deserves this. I'm sorry, Tommy. This is for your own good.

"I don't know," I lie and stand. "I'm going home, now. Cover for me to Darius. When I come back tomorrow, I want you to forget about this. Just drop it. Nothing happened. Nothing."

I leave. The bomb inside my stomach, counting down, and down.


	7. Nothing's Changing All Over Again

**Disclaimer:** It's not mine. Be thankful. How depressing would Instant Star be otherwise? More quotes by T.S. Eliot.

**Note:** I just want to thank everybody for giving me such nice reviews. I appreciate them all very much.

* * *

**Chapter seven.**

_xoxo_

"Well, something's not working," Liam says.

"I'm sorry, did anybody ask you?" Tommy shoots.

"Nah, he's right, man," Darius frowns, pondering. "Something's off."

I see the way Tommy's lips are parting. The way his eyes squint in disagreement. He's going to say something to Darius and I'm too tired for that. I'm always so tired. Ready to curl up in a ball and fall asleep. Before I couldn't close my eyes at all. Now it feels so hard to keep them open. What's wrong? Darius, what's wrong? We can fix it. Sometimes things are that simple. What's wrong?

"What's off?" I ask.

"The sad, teenage angst," Liam jumps in. "Depressing lyrics, pathetic pleading for pity..."

No. No shut up. I never wanted that. I never, never wanted that.

**(White bodies naked on the low damp ground  
****And bones cast in a little low dry garret,  
****Rattled by the rat's foot only, year to year.)**

"I don't want pity," I whisper.

"But, uh, thank you, Liam," Tommy says sarcastically.

"Enough, both of you," Darius interrupts. "Bottom line, Big D just ain't quite feelin' it."

**IIIII**

"What does it mean that my album doesn't have heart?" I ask Tommy outside.

I can act normal. It's easy enough. To pretend. Only Tommy looks at me and he knows different. He says nothing, but he knows. I hate him for that, and I love him for that. My heart aches and runs in fear and buries itself beneath sand. I don't know, I don't know. What I want, what I need, who I want, who I need.

"In Darius speak," Tommy says softly, "it means your missing a ballad. Look, if he really hated it, he'd still be yelling."

I nod. I don't care what Darius likes. I don't care what's on the album. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. I can't write a ballad. I can't...

"I have to write a love song?" I ask, horrified.

"When have you ever had trouble doing that?" Tommy laughs.

Only, there's something behind the laugh. He's not asking me that question. He's asking why I'm having trouble now. His eyes aren't smiling. I shrug and hand him my bag so I can put on my helmet. Have some trouble with the buckle. Hop on the bike behind Tommy. This is the hard part. Holding onto his waste while he drives me home. Resting my head against his back. I don't have to do these things. I want to. I need to. He's what I want. He's what I need.

* * *

Everything scared Tommy. There was no blanket to hide himself beneath. Just the monster words that could mean too many things. It was like one of those pictures. With a piece of paper that has one line, and then another with another line, and another, and another, and when you stack them all correctly, it makes an image. Each song was a line. There was a picture to be seen in here. He couldn't find the order to place them. He didn't know what to do with the secrets, and the heart-break. He had no idea what to do. 

**(And other withered stumps of time  
****Were told upon the walls; staring forms  
****Leaned out, leaning, hushing the world enclosed.)**

A song about monsters, another song about dying, another song about pain, and one about hate, and one about fear. He didn't know what he was reading anymore. He could tell the older stuff from the newer stuff. There was less self-loathing. There were love songs, hopeful songs, cheery songs. Most of them shared already. Some he'd never heard of. White Lines, and There's Us. They stuck outthe most. Especially There's Us. What was that supposed to mean? Was she giving up on them? Of course it was about them. It was always about them. Him. He felt guilt for that. For not being there for her. It was his own weakness. He didn't want to see the image. There was no order. Only chaos.

**IIIII**

"Hey," Jude said, sitting beside him.

"Hey," Tommy pondered for a moment, and pulled out her journal, placing it on the table.

Jude blinked at the book. She said nothing. She did nothing. Tommy waited for a reaction. Prayed for one. Anything. Embarrassment, anger, sadness, something. Jude just blinked. Jude looked like a statue. Jude broke Tommy's heart. He picked up the book again and considered throwing it in her face. Would she even dodge the thing? He drummed on the cover and pondered the words. His words. What words? Which words? He could start the same fight, and have her vanish in a cloud of perfume. He wanted to hold onto her. He wanted to make her feel safe again. How hurt can a person be to show such an immunity to pain?

**(You cannot say, or guess, for you know only  
****A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,  
****And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,  
****And the dry stone no sound of water.)**

"I had to see if there was anything worth recording," Tommy told her. "I'm thinking White Lines and There's Us. We'll just add them on, nothing else has to go. It'll balance out the sad and the romantic."

"Okay," Jude nodded.

Tommy's jaw clenched, he nodded. What was left? His whole body was aching. He wanted to reach inside of her. Take it out. Whatever was inside that caused her pain. He didn't know how. He was helpless. And, Jude sat in front of him, right there in front of him. Drowning. He couldn't save her. He didn't know how. He didn't know... He didn't... He... He nodded. Nodded, and nodded, and stood. Helped her write the music. Recorded one song. Then another. She didn't complain about all the re-takes, and about staying late. She didn't say a word. He felt out his body. He felt surreal. He hated himself. He hated himself. He hated. He loathed. And said nothing. He loved her and he'd let her die. Was that love? What love? Which love?

**IIIII**

"You're home late," Sadie observed.

"I know," Jude shrugged.

"Working late at the studio?" her sister frowned.

"Yeah," Jude yawned. "I'm gonna go to bed, actually."

"Tommy shouldn't have you working so late," Sadie said with disgust. "You have school in the morning. He knows better."

School. Jude went to school, she sat silent, she did her work, she came home from school. It didn't matter if she was tired. It didn't matter. She just went through the day. Everything she had to do she did. She passed. It didn't matter. None of it mattered.

**(At the violet hour, when the eyes and back  
****Turn upward from the desk, when the human engine waits  
****Like a taxi throbbing waiting,  
****I Tiresias, though blind, throbbing between two lives)**

"It's okay," Jude shrugged again. "It doesn't matter. I'm going to bed, now, Sadie."

"Fine," Sadie shot. "Fine. But, I know you're not sleeping. I hear you pacing in your room at night, Jude. I know you're up there, and your pining over Spiederman, and Jamie, and Shay, and yes, even Tommy. I know _you_, Jude."

And, Jude nodded. She didn't doubt what Sadie knew. She may have been right in some ways. It didn't matter. She climbed the steps and shut her door. It seemed easier to exist when people thought you were easy.

**IIIII**

"You think you're dead, Jude Harrison?" she spat. "You think you're dead? You think it's that easy? How dare you leave me in that alley to rot, how dare you?"

Jude shook her head. She couldn't answer. She didn't know.

"I'm still here! I'm right here! I'm right in front of you! I'm inside of you! You buried us, Jude,and you buried us alive! We breathe and we breathe dirt! We're not dead yet, Jude. Not yet. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you."

She pressed her hands over her ears. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. She kept walking. Back and forth, pacing like a lion in a cage. Her hands over her ears. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

"Don't cry. Don't you dare cry. Don't leave me here. Don't leave me here. We're so old. We're too young to be this old, Jude. It's like this thing inside of us. You won't fight it, you won't even try to fight it. Get it out of me. Get it out of me, get it out of me, get it out of me!"

**(That corpse you planted last year in your garden,  
****Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?  
****Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?  
****Oh keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men,  
****Or with his nails he'll dig it up again!)**

Jude threw her notebook. She wasn't pining over Spied, and she wasn't pining over Jamie. Not Shay, not even Tommy. Herself. She was pining for herself. The girl in the back of her head, and screaming. She was pining for the girl in a cage. A girl in an alley. A girl with music in her heart, and love. A girl who believed in things. There was nothing left to believe in anymore.

"You're so weak. This is all your fault. You're the monster. No one will ever love you. Don't you dare cry, this is your fault. This is _your _fault! You have no right to cry. You're disgusting. All the things you think. You're disgusting. No one will ever love you. You're a monster. No one will ever love you!"

The book. The words. All those words. Burn my name. She tore out one page, and other. Shredded them. My mouth, my eyes. She wanted it out of her. Whatever was inside of her. Get it out, get it out, get it out. Burn my memory. The thing inside of her. Get it out. She pressed her fists against her chest. Get it out. I am not right. The book on the floor by her feet. She sunk down, her knees slamming against the wood. I am not right, I am not right. She hunched forward, and she shook. Like she had shaken after, in the alley. Right after. When he left her. And, there was nothing she could do. It was inside of her, the monster. No matter what she destroyed, no matter what. It was still inside of her. It would always be inside of her. There was nothing she could do. There was nothing. So she stayed hunched. And she shook.

**IIIII**

"What 'cha waitin' for, big eyes?" Tommy asked.

Mason had left, and they waved goodbye. He didn't ask her any questions, there were too many. Jude hopped into the car and Tommy twisted the knob, turning on his radio. She buckled, and listened. She was number three. With My Sweet Time. Was she supposed to smile? Hands on her wrists, her back against stone. Was she supposed to be happy? He was still inside of her, that man. The monster man. How could she smile? How could she be happy?

"What can I say?" Tommy smiled softly. "You're on your way up, girl. You're on your way up."

What would the old Jude say?

"Yes, we are," I say.

She would probably hug him after that. The After Jude didn't know if she could do that. Bring herself that close to anyone again. So, she shifted back in her seat, facing forward, her hand covering her mouth. She felt the back of Tommy's hand on her cheek, his knuckles lightly stroking the skin. She leaned into it. She couldn't help it. It was Tommy. Just Tommy. Her Tommy. His hand turned over, his palm against her face. She closed her eyes. It felt right. Leaning against the touch. She couldn't help embracing it. She couldn't help how it made her feel. Alive. Human. His hand slipping back, his fingers running through her hair. It scared Jude how much she wanted him. It had to be wrong. Anything that felt this right had to be wrong. It couldn't last, the feeling. She knew the disappointment that would crush her. She knew. Snapping her eyes open, Jude pulled away. She couldn't have it. She couldn't.

**(She turns and looks a moment in the glass,  
****Hardly aware of her departed lover;  
****Her brain allows one half-formed thought to pass:  
****"Well now that's done, and I'm glad it's over.")**

**IIIII**

"So, D, you hear?" Tommy asked.

"I hear a lot of things," Darius said, sounded gloomy.

"We hit number three," Jude chewed her thumbnail.

"Outside," Darius stood. "Both of you."

So they followed. To the alleyway. It reminded Jude of every other alley. Her own alley. Rats alley. She survived it because she was never alone there. Because she always had Tommy, or Sadie, or Darius. There was a car beneath a red cover. Some guy slipped it off and underneath Jude could see it was her own. New and improved. She forced a smile. Having seen enough episodes of PimpMy Ride. She understood. This reaction needed more shock, excitement.

"My car?" she laughed.

It hurt to laugh.

"Yup," Darius grinned.

He was cute when he grinned. Boyish. Seemingly innocent.

"Darius," she said. "Oh my god."

"Eighteen inch chrome rims," he said. "Full interior restore. Top grain leather."

"After all it took to fix the engine," Jude said. "I never would have dreamed."

She hated this car. It sealed her fate. Rats alley.

"You don't got to dream," Darius said. "That's what I'm here for."

She felt the tears brimming her eyes. Happy tears, she could pretend. Brushing them out of her eyes.

"Look," he said. "Thanks for recording an album I'm proud to release tomorrow."

"Darius," Jude's words choked up inside her throat.

She wrapped her arms around him. It was easy to lie. She could forget the truth if she lied.

"Thank you," Jude whispered. "Thank you."

**(I think we are in rats' alley  
****Where the dead men lost their bones.)**


	8. I Watch as Life Moves On

**Disclaimer:** Same as all the other times, people.

**Note:** I'm sorry how this chapter seems to go by so fast. And, I'm sorry there's not a lot of dialog. I promise, next chapter there will be, though. I'm not sure how to make it better, though, so this is me settling on something I don't like very much. It's a hard story for me to write. Anyways, as usual, thank you guys so much for the comments. They mean a lot to me.

* * *

**Chapter eight.**

_xoxo_

I don't know what I want but I don't want this. I don't want to live with this. Someone carved their name into the sidewalk when the cement was still wet. Andy. Now he's there forever. Like the Monster Man carved his name into my skin. I don't want to live with this. Andy was the Monster Man, I imagine. Before there was a monster. But, all little boys grow up to break girls hearts. Andy wanted to be remembered. Nobody ever looked at him, nobody ever knew that he existed. And, all he wanted was to be remembered, that attention. He wanted to own something. Mean anything to someone. His name carved in stone, in skin. In blood. Andy, I remember you. Andy, you will live forever. Through me, and every person I touch. Because every person I touch turns to ash. I remember you Andy. I remember...

**IIIII**

Jump forward. To my album release party. They got me this red dress, and I feel transparent. I don't like the way I get looked at. The men throwing me down in their minds, already taking what they wanted. It's hard to play normal. I have to dance and sing on stage, and laugh with my band, and smile for pictures. I have to sign things, and answer questions. Tommy stays there, like he's trying to be comforting. Hand on my shoulder, never leaving. I can't appreciate that anymore. I never feel so alone as when he's in the room. Beside me. Touching me. You can't comfort me. It's too late for that. I'm far away, and I can't feel you anymore. I'm dead in an alley, I'm pacing in a cage, I'm lost in a memory, I'm not Jude Harrison. My smile hurts my face. I want to cry all the time. And, that's the truth about lies.

**IIIII**

I want to start over. My whole life. I want to start over. And, I'd never enter any contests. I would never become an instant star. I could have lived in Sadie's shadow. It's better than not living at all. In the spotlight I melt because it's too hot and my skin feels sticky. I get claustrophobic. I had to leave the party. I had to hide. I'm in Studio A where it's quiet. I curl up in a ball on the couch. I want to go to sleep. I want to kill myself, maybe. I don't know. I haven't decided yet. I do know that I'm a burden. I do know what I deserve. The old Jude inside of me, a fist beating like my heart against ribs. Let me out, she screams, let me out. Maybe death could achieve that. But at the same point, how melodramatic would that be? I don't know, there's no way out. I don't know. It's not fair. It's not fair.

"Jude," the door opens and a voice calls in.

This isn't real. It's not. No. It doesn't have to be. Monster Man stepping into the room, little boy Andy. He shuts the door behind him, and then he locks it. It's not real. It won't be real. I won't let it be real. Just curled up in a ball on this couch. Monster Man smiling, little boy Andy lost. If I close my eyes tight enough, I'm in Ireland. The Ireland that James told me about. James, he's a whole life-time away. I'm an old woman looking back on her life. I live in Ireland. I get drunk, and I dance in the rain. I keep going, traveling, the whole world in the palm of my hand. I'm not here. Nothing is happening here. Nothing exists. This room, so ancient, falling apart. I'm in Paris and Italy. I'm in tropical rain-forests of South America, of Africa. I'm living with Daoists in China. I'm worshipping Buddah in India. I'm not here. He's not here. Little boy Andy fast asleep and dreaming of the future.

There are too many sounds. Not my screaming, don't listen to my screaming. This isn't happening. I'm in the Sahara. I'm lost in Wonderland. Curiouser and curiouser. I'm in the land of Oz. Emerald City. Only, in the book it wasn't actually emerald. He made the people wear goggles with green lenses, he said that the emeralds reflecting the sun were too brilliant for eyes to stand. He said you'd go blind if you took off the goggles, looked at the light. You had to put them on with a lock and a key before you could enter. It wasn't that emerald at all, though. I'm in Egypt, in temples, in a Pharo's tomb. King Tut. Steve Martin style. I'm laughing and I'm happy and I'm anywhere. I'm on the tour bus with Spied, and Wally, and Kyle. It's last year. When my worst problem was over some boy who didn't like me back. I'm not here. This isn't happening. It's not happening. It's not happening.

**IIIII**

"Jude," I hear Tommy's voice.

I can almost see him right in front of me. All the sounds muffled, like water over my ears. The whole room is shaking. Sadie and Kwest stand in the doorway, wearing the same face, the same concern. The whole room, it's shaking. Tommy's hands are on my face, a palm to either cheek. I can feel him, so distantly. I think that I'm dead. That he's just holding my body while I'm passing through to the next world. There is no release in death. Just worried eyes. I can see the Monster Man, a heap on the floor, bloody and still. Too close. If he wakes up... If he wakes up... I will disappear. All he has to do is look at me and I will disappear. The room is shaking, or I'm shaking. My throat hurts, and it's from breathing. I'm alive and I'm dead. He'll kill me if he looks at me. There's scrambling. I'm not sure. Movement. I'm moving. Trying to crawl away. I see the monsterand I hear these sounds and they're my own. Strangled sobs. Tommy's arms wrapping around me, swallowing me up inside a safe darkness against his chest.

* * *

Tommy never drank unless he had to. Trying to forget the things he always would remember. Screaming. Echoing from somewhere. He couldn't find her. Screaming. A girl. The studio, the door locked. Screaming. Tommy placed a hand over his mouth. He couldn't feel it there. He had no right to feel anything. Jude. Jude screaming, Jude helpless. He couldn't save her. He had known, and feared knowing. He wouldn't save her. The stubborn denial, like weights on his shoulders, keeping him still. Silent. He had no right to cry, or scream. He didn't save her. He'd kicked down that door. The man was holding a knife. Jude was bleeding on the floor, quiet, trembling. The man was just holding this knife. He was crying. He was crying. Now he had sixty-three stitches. He had a broken jaw, and a broken wrist. Fractured ribs. And, it wasn't enough. Tommy couldn't move. 

**IIIII**

"I don't want to know his name."

It was the only time she had spoken, and she wouldn't speak again. The rest didn't matter. Everything was brilliant white and blinding. Everything was faces crying and, I'm Sorry's. I Should Have Known's. It's My Fault's. The rest was all rape and murder. Air-conditioning too cold and goosebumps. The rest was all dead people. She could feel the blood rushing through her veins. She could feel the Monster Man, little Andy, running through her veins. Like when she was little and had a bug bite. She'd just cut the skin open as though the infection would come seeping out. If she could just slit her wrists, or something. Just get him out of her. She couldn't stand her mother's touch, or her father's, or Sadie's. She couldn't stand their eyes. She said nothing. She just didn't want to know the creatures name. She already did.

It was Jude.

**IIIII**

None of it was real. Jude wouldn't answer them. Spied, and Kyle, and Wally, and Kwest. Who talked like it was normal. Like they could see her lying there. Her mom, her dad, Sadie. Who had to reach out and blame themselves. Darius who made awkward conversation. Never Tommy. Who vanished from her. She just knew he testified at the trial.The Monster Man pleading insanity. No, no, his name, he has no name. Don't you dare tell me his name, Jude thought, and thought, and thought. Trapped inside her mind. Tiger pacing the cage, she was so hungry. She just missed being alive. She missed being a kid. She couldn't ever remember just being a kid. Everybody just wants to grow up until they grow up. She wasn't a virgin. She wasn't a kid. Everything kept changing and she had nothing to hold onto. All of the people in her lives kept changing. The only thing that remained the same and in her grasp were the memories. And, one kept coming back, without even trying, it just came back. Over and over, and over and over. The one she most wanted to lose.

**IIIII**

In her bedroom it stayed the same. There was more color and less people. She prefered it that way. And the Monster Man was in the crazy house for attempting suicide.

_"If you ever wanted to kill yourself, how would you do it?" Jamie had asked, once._

_"Pills," she shrugged. "That way, it's just like going to sleep."_

Jude got sleeping pills from the hospital. Nobody thought to take them away. She dumped the bottle onto her bed and lined the pills carefully. She counted, and she re-counted. She shaped them into a smile face, and arranged them into a heart. She made them a sad face. She didn't cry. She put them back in the bottle and she snapped on the lid. She put the bottle in her purse, and slipped out the front door. It was three in the morning. No one heard her go. She drove and she kept driving. She found herself parked by a curb. A space beside two buildings, with a gap between them. With an alley-way. On her feet and walking in the darkness.

_Burn my name, my mouth, my eyes. Burn my memory. I am not right, I am not right._

Her legs felt numb. She couldn't help where she was headed. Back down that place. To that very spot. He'd come from behind her. He called her name.

_"Jude!"_

She'd turned around.

_"Hi Jude. I'm a big fan of yours."_

"Oh," Jude said. "Thanks."

_"No. Thank you."_

It was still happening. It was always happening.

_"I've been dreamin' of this day."_

She was living inside herself.

_"When I would finally get to meet Jude Harrison in person."_

A cage of bones, and a cage of skin.

_"You're so beautiful. All the pictures in the world couldn't do you justice."_

The walls of an alley on every side.

_"I've just been dreamin' of this day."_

Trapped.

_"You smell so sweet."_

Her back against the stone.

_"Even from here.  
Like violets.  
Sweeter then I  
ever imagined.  
I bet your hair feels  
so  
smooth,  
like strands of silk between my  
fingertips.  
And, your skin.  
I bet you have the softest skin."_

He was a poem that she'd memorized. He was her world.

_"I'm your lover, Jude."_

He was her only one. This was the same wall and this was the same darkness. He was her lover. She was in that place. She was always in the place. And, he was always in her head.

"Get out of my head," Jude felt the scream scrape against her throat, she felt tears, she felt scars.

_"I'm your lover.  
And, you don't know  
what that is yet,  
but you will.  
Now, I know  
you're scared.  
That's okay, everyone's  
a little scared  
the first time."_

"Please," she cried, she felt the lump in her throat. "Please."

_"I'm the most gentle lover,  
Jude.  
I'll touch you  
so  
delicate,  
like you deserve to be touched.  
Like an angel.  
And,  
when I'm fillin' that secret place inside you-"_

What was the ending? She knew the beginning to the story of her life. Most people didn't. They couldn't remember their first day on earth. She could. It started with his voice. His words. Every single word. It started with the moment he pushed himself inside her. She was ready for the story to end, now. She was so tired of living in her past. She was ready for it to end.

_"Oh, Jude, don't cry.  
Hush now.  
You'll be fine.  
Shhh...  
Don't fight me.  
Jude.  
I don't want to hurt you.  
Don't make me hurt you.  
Please.  
Don't make me hurt you."_

"Jude?" she knew that voice.

She turned her head though she could barely see his face. His hair wild, and his eyes bloodshot, a five o'clock shadow. He wore his sadness, and the same outfit they'd met in. Jeans, white t-shirt, and the leather jacket. It sent a wave of nostalgia through her body, twisting the pit of her stomach. You don't know what regret is, she thought. Until you die.

"Hi, Tommy," she whispered.


	9. You Were Perfect

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Note:** Thank you for all your great reviews. They make me smile until my face hurts.

**Second Note: **I may not get a chance to add another chapter for awhile. I'm going on a CRUISE! WOO-HOO! But, I'll miss this, and I'll miss all you reviewers because you make me so happy.

* * *

**Chapter nine.**

_xoxo_

"I thought I heard you... Thought I was going crazy," Tommy shakes his head, laughing. It's not funny. We both know that. "Then I saw your car."

I don't know what I'm supposed to do, now. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. This is the place I've been hiding. This is my grave, un-marked. My decaying soul. This is me, Tommy. You wanted know. You wanted to know! I'm leaning against this wall, and I've leaned here before. I died here. I died here. You wanted to know, Tommy. You took the nightmare and you made it real with your eyes. You saw the truth and for that, you shouldn't be here. You should let me keep this seperate. You should let me mourn. You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't be here.

"What are you doin' here, Jude?" he asks, softly, trying to smile, failing.

What am I doing here? I don't know anymore. I don't know anything.

"Trying to leave," I chuckle, tears falling. "I'm trying to leave."

I don't know what he's thinking. As his head tilts to the side while he stares. At me. Seeing me, seeing everything... and knowing. He always knows. His face changing, like something's wrong. Everything is wrong, Tommy. He takes a step back, stumbles, presses a palm against brick to hold himself steady. He breathes for a moment before pulling back. Scared. He can't touch the wall, he can't touch this place. Be a part of it. Not for a second. He knows, he knows. Tommy stepped into the home of my nightmare and he doesn't want to be here anymore. This is _my _home, this is _my_ home. I'm just trying to get out. He looks back, and all around us. He looks... lost.

"This is..." he murmers. "This is where? This is where?"

He's asking me. Not looking anymore. Breath escaping in un-even spurts.My tears are already falling. Yes, Tommy, this is where. Don't cry for me. Don't cry. Damn it! Don't cry!

"Yes," I'm struggling for words. They hurt. "This is where."

And everything stops. The whole world just... stops. Tommy stops. Everything. He just looks at me again. Against the wall. He just looks at me. He just looks. With big eyes. I don't want him here, I want him here. Hold me, go away. Everything inside of me wants something else. Iwant death. I can feel the bottle of pills in my pocket. _My phone, viberating in my pocket_. Sobs bubbling up in my throat. Stop looking at me, Tommy. I don't want sympathy, I don't want you. I don't need love. There's no such thing as love. There's only what you want. Remember? You kissed me, remember? I was only sixteen. But, it didn't matter. Nothing did. Not even me. Just how badly you needed that kiss. Nothing matters again. It never has. I want him to fuck me. Right here, where I stand, propped against this wall. Like the Monster Man fucked me. Only this time it's_ for_ me. Prove it. Tommy. Prove me right. There's no such thing as love. There's no such thing as love. There's only what you want.

His first step toward me and my mind shuts off. He walks swiftly, slowly. Slowly. Slow. Slow. Slow. Like one of those hallways that keeps getting longer. I forget to breathe. I want him. I don't want him. Don't prove me right. Give me hope. Give me hope. But, he's so close. I can smell the alcohol on his breath. I can feel it warm against my face. I shiver. I think that he's going to kiss me. I don't know.

"Let's leave together," he whispers.

I feel myself dying again. All over again. Never, not for a moment... I didn't consider... I'm not here alone. Never, not for a moment. But, here he is. Tommy. Running toward me, and running, and running. The pavement like carpet slipping beneath his feet. And, when he falls, when he falls... I fall. And, I'm gone. He doesn't get back up again. He blames himself as much as I blame myself. We're both here. And, it's not a matter of being dead or alive. We're not dead, we just keep dying. He doesn't deserve this. I've sunken, and taken Tommy down with me. We will never leave this place. And that's my fault. We will never leave.

"Okay," I nod, holding his hand. "Okay."

I follow him out of the alley, but not really. I still linger there, a part of me. He seems resolved. It's not that easy, Tommy. You're too late. You don't have to try and save me. I'll only disappoint you. Inside my car, I turn the keys and listen to the soft pur of the engine.

"Should I drive you home?" I ask.

Sometimes words will come out of my mouth that I don't recognize as my own. It's the Jude Harrison slipping out of me. She's still in there, somewhere. I have to brush away that thought, though. It sounds like hope.

"Yeah," Tommy looks at me, confused, but nodding. "Sure."

**IIIII**

Top floor, penthouse, it's a long way up. I'm not supposed to be here. He waited for me. Tommy. He waited for me to follow. So, I got out of the car. Walked behind him all the way. He didn't look back, not once. Maybe he felt me there. Like someone feels the presence of a ghost. A chill down your back, the hairs sticking up. Something is off about the air you are breathing. Not alone, not alone. I'm just haunting you. Longing for you. I want life again. I want to want Tommy like I did before. I want to trust him. Not be afraid of this. I used to dream about it. His apartment, and us, and love. But, it's not like that anymore. And, I'm scared. Haunted. And, the silence is deafening. I want to cover my ears. I want to throw up. I want to die. The elevator stops and Tommy steps off. He turns around. Watches.

I step out and that's that. The elevator doors shut again. We're in his home. I can't protect myself om him. I'm helpless. His. I almost want him to break me. Take what's left. There's still so much left. But, with nothing, I can create nothing. Fear, hope, pain. Nothing. You can't hurt me when I'm empty. Tommy.

"I'm gonna make myself a cup of coffee," Tommy runs his fingers through his hair. "You want some?"

"No, thanks," I say.

I'm never tired, Tommy, and I'm always tired. You can't fix this. Not with anything. I follow him to the kitchen and sit at a table. I can't think about his apartment, now. It's beautiful; modern, yet elegant. Impressive, I guess. But, I'm still a rape victim and he's still my past. Not my future. I can't have him anymore.

"I have soda," Tommy offers. "Orange juice, tea, uh, milk..."

"That's okay," I shake my head. "I don't need anything."

Tommy laughs. A tiny, bitter laugh. When I open my eyes I see him looking right at me. It hurts. He knows me, and everything about me. I can't hide beneath my skin. He sees through it.

"You don't need anything?" he repeats, the words harsh. "You're fine?"

"Tommy, I..." I start, but I can't finish.

"You what?" he asks, eyes blazing. "What?"

Tommy, I'm sorry. Tommy, I'm lost. Tommy, I'm hopeless, unhappy, ugly, disgusting, pathetic. Wrong.

Tommy, I hate me.

"You what?" he screams. Screams. "You what, Jude?"

He bangs his fist down on the counter and everything trembles. I can't stop shaking. I don't want to cry in front of him. He's so angry. Tommy's so angry. I don't understand anything anymore. I just don't want to cry in front of him. He looks exhausted, hunching forward, leaning against the counter now.

"You can't even pretend, Jude," he's got tears in his eyes while he shakes his head. "You can't even pretend like you're okay. You're so bad at it. Stop pretending. Just stop."

I don't know how. I don't know how.

"You were raped," Tommy says. He watches me flinch. The glint in his eyes returns. "What? You don't like that?"

No. I don't.

"You were raped," he repeats. Shut up. "You were raped."

He's walking toward me, stooping down, his face in front of my face. Too close. I don't want to be here anymore.

"Say it," he tells me. Demands. Eyes big, electric blue.

No. I won't say it. I won't say it. Shaking my head rapidly, leave me alone. Tommy. Leave me alone. I won't say it. Don't you know? If I say it... If I say it... I feel everything inside my chest collapsing already. I can't. Tommy, don't make me. I can't.

"Say it, Jude," he pleads. Desperate. Like when I was sixteen.

Un-happy birthday.

"I was..." I try. For Tommy, I try. "I was... I... I was... I... I... I..."

I won't cry, I won't cry. Tommy raises his hand and I flinch back. Breathing fear until I see the look of hurt on his face. He just wanted to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. He wanted to take care of me. He needed me to trust him. But, I've become this monster. The Monster Man, running through my veins. I hurt everywhere. Everyone. I can't let him love me. I can't let him close. Doesn't he know? Doesn't he know? It means letting the bomb out. It means we'll both explode. But, I feel it. Climbing up my throat, slipping between my molars, perching on the tip of my tongue. I don't want to hurt you. I'm sorry, Tommy. I'm so sorry.

"I was raped."

Boom.

* * *

Tommy's arms closed around her as she gasped. Sputtered. Sobbed. 

"I was raped," she whispered against his chest. "I was raped."

Maybe if he held her tight enough... If he could hold her tight enough... Keep her safe enough... Jude clawed at Tommy's back, closer, he needed to be closer. Hold her and hold her and hold her. Closer. If this was just a nightmare, and he could wake up now... Tommy felt the tears slipping from his own eyes in protest. If he could just wake up... If Jude was alright and everything was back to the way that it was... If everything could just be okay... But, he could feel the way her body wrenched with the forceful cries against him. He loved her too much. Didn't she know that he loved her too much? That his heart was breaking? Didn't she know that she wasn't alone? Didn't she know?

And, now he'd seen the place it happened. He could picture it in his head, even though he didn't want to. He could see her crying, against the wall, struggling. He had to see her there, like that. He couldn't save her. Holdingher nowas tight as he could. Nails dragging down his arms. Closer, closer. He had to picture it, even though he didn't want to. He had to see her there. He was supposed to protect her. He had to see. Holding Jude, Tommy holding Jude. She deserved better. Someone other than him for comfort. Didn't she know? Didn't she know? Eventually quieting. Weakening. The sobs softer than before.

He cradled her carefully as Jude threw her arms around his neck. Holding on as he carried her to the guest bed-room. Pulling back the covers and gently setting her down. Slipping off her shoes, he pulled the cover up again and headed for the door.

"Tommy," she whispered and he turned around again. "Stay with me."

His hand on the doorknob. Stay with her. She didn't want to be alone. Jude. His Jude. He nodded. Dazed. Shutting the door behind him and kicking off his shoes. Walking around to the other side and sliding beneath the covers. Jude rolled over,moving toward him, resting her head on his chest. Wrapping an arm around his stomach. Throwing a leg over his legs. He smiled. This was like the old Jude. Comftorable, cuddly. Maybe everything would be alright. But, he felt something hard through her pocket. He moved his hands slowly, not wanting to scare her. She was already sleeping. Reaching in and feeling something cold, and plastic. He pulled it out and froze, feeling Jude shift against him. Not awake. He realized he wasn't breathing. He was holding a bottle. Of sleeping pills.


	10. Rose Red

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine.

**Note:** Thank you all for the awesome reviews. Sorry it took me so long to update. I did have fun on the cruise, but I missed this, too.

* * *

**Chapter ten.**

_xoxo_

First I think it's theMonster Mancalling my name. I struggle against him before I realize it's Tommy's voice, that my eyes are closed. That I was dreaming. So I open them and he's in a panic above me, yanking me from the bed to my feet. The whole world is fuzzy, and blurred. I'm confused and I'm tired. I don't know what to say and he just keeps saying my name. Jude, Jude, Jude. My name. Me. Coming out of his mouth, over and over again. I listen with a far off feeling. Then my feet are cold and it's because we're standing on tile. The floor is his bathroom floor. The lights are blinding. His eyes are big in his face, afraid.

"Jude," he says. "Jude, how many? How many did you take? Jude?"

I don't know what he's asking me. I don't understand. How many, Jude? How many? I can't take things because I don't know what I want. I took nothing. But the rest was taken from me. Monster Man, the monster, catching my heart in his big hands. I don't know what I took. How many did I take. How many. I tried to take everything and it slipped between my fingers because I didn't know. Life is not something that can be taken. But given. I didn't know. I gave mine away to the monster because I didn't know. I let him take me. I took nothing, Tommy. I took nothing.

"Jude," he says. "Look at me, Jude. How many did you take?"

He's waving a bottle in the air and the contents inside are raddling. My sleeping pills. He found my sleeping pills. How many did I take? Oh... He thinks I'm dying now. That I've killed myself and now I'm dying. He's sort of right. I am dying. There's something wrong inside my blood that's eating me alive. I did kill myself when I let the monster inside. When I let him...

"I didn't," I manage to say. "I didn't, Tommy."

"Didn't what?" he asks, so afraid. "Didn't what?"

"Take any, Tommy," I put my hand on his arm to stop the raddling. "I didn't take any."

"Don't lie to me, Jude," his eyes are shiny with unfallen tears. "Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying. It's okay. I didn't take any."

I like being the one to reassure for once. It makes me feel stronger, even for a moment. Tommy's breathing begins to steady itself as he leans back against the wall and slumps down to the floor. His grip on the pill bottle loosens enough, and it falls from his hand and rolls across the floor to my feet. I bend down to pick them up and remember how content I was in his arms. That's all I need. Tommy's arms. I can sleep tonight with his arms, and tomorrow with the memory. So I kick the bottle away and bend forward slightly, extending my hand to Tommy. Let me help you up. Let me be the strong one for now. For you. Let me be the strong one. Let me be strong. Let me be. Let me... Let...

Tommy takes my hand in his and then his arms are wrapped around me and we stumble back to bed. Holding onto eachother. A warm safe feeling spreads across my body and I am content for the first time in a long while. Underneath the covers agains and I keep stroking his hair, and his face. Listening as he falls to sleep and resting my head against his chest. Closing my eyes and feeling those arms around me. All around me. Safe. So safe.

* * *

When she thought he wasn't looking, she slipped the bacon beneath her toast. She mashed the eggs with her fork and spread them out across her plate. Made it look like there was less. Like she was eating. When she thought he wasn't looking, her hand shot up to cover her mouth as she gagged. The smell of food too much, making her stomach tumble, a wrong feeling inside. Too full and heavy. Too weak. Tommy said nothing because there were no words for what he felt. For watching Jude struggle against herself. To try for him, to take small and bitter bites, to fail. She was failing. And failing. She wanted so badly to eat and be normal and not have Tommy worry anymore. She blamed herself and Tommy couldn't eat either. He put down his fork and rubbed his temples, a headache edging on. 

"How you feelin'?" he asked again.

"Fine," Jude lied.

She could feel the stab-wounds. She could remember how strange the metal was inside her body. She could remember the Monster Man's eyes. But fine, she was fine. She didn't die and she was here with Tommy and he cared about her. She was fine. She had to be fine.

"You should call home," he stood, beginning to clear the table. "They've gotta be worried, Jude. They're probably looking for you."

"No," she shook her head, standing as well to help. "No, they're not. I left a note."

It was a lie but she didn't want to rush this. She didn't want her frantic father. She didn't want to go home. There was no home.

"I can take care of it," Tommy told her, taking the plate from Jude and turning back to the sink.

She nodded, leaning back against the table. She found something soothing in the motions. In his silence. _I'll take care of it._ Water running over glass, he loaded the dishwasher, they were quiet. He could feel her eyes staring. When he turned back he found a look of contentment on her face. Something endearing. She simply watched. Soothed by Tommy, by his words.

"I'll take care of you," he said.

She nodded again. Finding more meaning in the words that weren't spoken. In everything moving like slow motion. Tommy floating toward her, his hands against her skin. His finger-tips running over the smoothness, like silk. Over her arms, and her neck, and her face. He pressed his lips to her temple. Beneath her ear. The tip of her nose. Over each closed eyes. He pressed his lips to the corner of her mouth. He pressed his lips to her lips. He nuzzled his face against her neck, he wrapped his arms around her. Jude felt herself lifting, floating. They were hovering above the ground. That's the only way Jude could remember it. They were flying. Infinite. And she didn't know what that meant. To let someone touch her. To let someone love her.

But she had too much passion in her heart. And nothing could take that away.

**IIIII**

"Jude, where have you been?" her father had wild eyes.

"Out," she answered lamely. "I've just been out."

She wasn't sorry. She could feel things like love. She could feel warm hands, she could feel safe.

"You can't just leave like that, Jude," her father said. "Without a note or anything."

"Well, I'm thinking about moving out," she said quietly.

"To where?" he sounded horrifed.

"I have another apartment..." she chewed on her fingernails nervously.

This she was sorry about.

"Why are you doing this?" he asked. "Why?"

He sounded like James. Like she was breaking his heart. But it wasn't like that. This was what she needed.

"Can we please not argue about this?" she begged. "Please."

Everything happened quickly after that. She didn't answer Sadie's questions. She just packed. Everything. She loaded up her whole life into a couple of suit-cases and she lugged them to her car out front. She felt like she was leaving something behind. Eyes following her as she pulled away. She felt like she could start over. She had Tommy now. She didn't need anyone else.

**IIIII**

Jude was un-packing when the door opened. She turned around, her body stiff until she saw Tommy standing in the doorway. He frowned, looking at her bags and shaking his head. He didn't understand, she knew. She didn't know if she could explain.

"What are you doing, Jude?" he sounded so tired.

"I couldn't stay there anymore," she shook her head. "But, it's better this way."

"Is it?" Tommy asked. "Running away, Jude, does that make anything better?"

"You know, I thought you of all people would understand," Jude shook her head.

"I think I understand more than you do," Tommy said, rubbing his forehead.

"What?" Jude felt hate storming inside of her. How could he say that? "What? You _understand_ more than _I_ do? You don't understand ANYTHING. You don't know what it was like. You have no idea what it was like."

"So tell me," Tommy said softly.

"No," Jude's body jolted at the idea. Actually describing it. Seeing Tommy's face... "No. It... It won't change anything."

"Maybe it will," Tommy said.

"Go home, Tommy," Jude sighed. "Just go home."

"I'll go home when you go home," Tommy shot.

"I have no home," Jude said coldly.

She walked to the door and pulled it open, standing aside and motioning for Tommy to leave. He stood still for a moment before walking toward her. He stopped when he was too close, and Jude could breathe in the sent of smoke on his skin, and leather from his jacket.

"I won't let you push me away," he said quietly.

Then turning, he walked out the door. And she slammed it shut behind him.


	11. Something Live

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Jack. Unless I write in a guy named Jack. And the song in this chapter is called "Your Heart is an Empty Room" by Death Cab for Cutie.

**Note:** Again, thank you all for the wonderful reviews. I appreciate each and every one.

* * *

**Chapter eleven.**

_xoxo_

I'm deaf, and blind, and mute. I can't answer the door. I'm paralyzed. I can't hear you. I'm not listening. I press my hands over my ears and I think it's Tommy until the voice calls my name soft and sweet. Soft, soft, soft skin. He calls my name. It's like a million hands running over my body. Jude, Jude, Jude. I can't hear you. At the door. Pounding. Smothering in the sent of violets growing in wild vines up the walls, rich greens and purples meshing. I can't breathe, the scent of violets, petals opening toward the sun. I can't hear him. You. Shut up, shut up, shut up. This is a dream. I know this is a dream. And I'll scream, and I'll wake myself up. I'll just scream. But I can't open my mouth. I'm mute, I'm mute. _"I look forward to when we'll meet again."_

Cold sweat clinging to my skin. I can sleep without the pills I left at Tommy's but I wake up at four am, five, six am, seven. I wake up the monster man calling. I can feel him. I can feel him. I said I was raped, and I cried in Tommy's arms. I want to know where it ends. When this stops. When I can open the windows and breathe again. But I've been avoiding the world for days. Sometimes somebody comes pounding at my door but I stay quiet. The lights are always out. I go through old journals, and school papers, old notes written between friends, old poems, and doodle-drawings. I go through my past and try to find a trace of me I can still connect with. Something I understand, something I can feel. Remember. I don't feel things anymore. Not the way I used to. But all the papers and all the words belong to another person. A stranger. Who died in an alley. Who's never coming back.

**IIIII**

"Jude?"

It's a voice from a memory. It's James, I know it's James. That doesn't make sense and so I open the door and he's standing there looking distressed. Looking surprised that I answered. Maybe somebody warned him that I didn't. Maybe he was hoping that I wouldn't. So he could walk away knowing that he'd made some effort to see me. It's not his fault. I wouldn't want to see me either.

"Hi," I haven't spoken in days. "Come in."

I step aside and he walks through, gazing around my new home in fascination. I try to imagine how it looks in his eyes. I don't think I can. This is just my hide-away. It's my safe place. Where only I can hurt me.

"How are you?" he asks, his voice soft.

"Fine," I tell him.

And everything we ever had was a lie. I don't see that changing now.

"I wanted to talk to you," he offers me a half-smile, a bitter smile. "Now I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," I sit on the couch with my feet curled beneath me. "We could just sit here..."

So James settles himself beside me and glances in my direction every so often before relaxing. Before the silence is calming and non-threatening. Before we move closer, leaning against one another, touching in hopes of finding peices of ourselves imbedded into eachother's skin. He stole my hope and I broke his heart. I want it back, and each kiss we share is to return another lost. To find something, to gain something, to lose something, to love something. We kiss, and we kiss, and we kiss, and we kiss, and it's not fucking, or making love. It's giving. And afterwards I let him hold me and he lets me sob against his chest. His chest, James' chest. Never Tommy's.

**IIIII**

"Jude, I'm so sorry I didn't come back sooner," she calls through my door. "I know you're angry with me. And, I'm so sorry honey, you have every right to be. You don't have to let me in. Just... Just say something. Please. I need to know you're alright. I need... I need to know you're okay."

It's my mother.

"You _need_?" I scream, my blood boiling. "You _need_? YOU_ NEED_? FUCK YOU! Fuck what you need! Fuck you! Get the fuck out of my apartment building! Get the fuck out of my life! Fuck what you need! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"

And I'm punching the door and I'm crying until I fall back and lay sprawled out flat across the ground. The apartment above me stomps hard, they want me to shut up. And my mother is silent. Gone.

She needed to know I was alright and okay. Well, I hope that answered her question.

I laugh and listen to the sound echo, bouncing off the walls and into oblivion.

**IIIII**

We haven't talked in awhile and I know she wasn't expecting me. I don't know if she still hates me, either. But I'm already crying when I see her face, and her mouth opens as she stands there for only a moment. Then I'm wrapped up inside her arms as she's whispering, "Jude". And I bury my face in the curtain of black curls. She heard about what happened. Everyone heard. I'm forgiven. I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you," she whispers.

"It's okay," I say through tears. "Be here for me now."

**IIIII**

I can't remember Jude Harrison. The things that made her laugh, and cry. I can't remember her face. I don't know what she sounded like anymore. When I try to sing now, it feels wrong inside me. Every note broken like every bone in my body. I like being alone now because I don't have to pretend. Because it's like the opposite of playing dead. And I try to sing, I really do. Old stuff, something that might make me remember. But, all I can remember are the wrong things. And life is wasted on the living. I never knew what I had until I was raped in an alley by a psycho fan. It's almost funny when I look at it that way. Death is funny. Everything is so fucking funny. And back then the worst thing was my dad cheating on my mom. And he wasn't trying to hurt anybody. He was just unhappy. I can understand that now. I hardly even blame him now. I can't be angry anymore. About anything.

I hear Tommy's voice calling me and calling me and I think I'm hearing things. I hope I'm not. So I open the door and he's not there, but I pretend he is anyway. Just standing in his modest way and his head is down and he's looking up at me and he's nervous. Like I'm nervous.

"I'm scared," I tell him, my voice breaking.

"Of what?"

"Forgetting."

He isn't crying with me and I'm not in his arms. I'm not safe. I'm all alone. In the hallway. Talking to myself.

**IIIII**

_"Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground  
And start new when your heart is an empty room  
With walls of the deepest blue."_

If I could just feel beautiful one more time. For just a moment. One second.

_"Home's face: how it ages when you're away  
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true  
But you don't know what now to do  
Cause the chase is all you know  
And she stopped running months ago."_

If I could create something beautiful. If I could be happy.

_"And all you see  
Is where else you could be  
When you're at home  
And out on the street  
Are so many possibilities  
To not be alone."_

If I didn't need to be alone. If I could miss myself.

_"The flames and smoke climbed out of every window  
And disappeared with everything that you held dear  
And you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need  
'Cause you knew you were finally free."_

If I could find salvation in the pain. If I didn't feel caged.

_"And all you see  
Is where else you could be  
When you're at home  
And out on the street  
Are so many possibilities  
To not be alone."_

If everything wasn't so far away. If I could let go.

* * *

**Sorry it was so short, guys. I know I make you guys wait awhile before each update. It's a hard story for me to write. I really have to be in it, you know? In order for it to come out feeling real. I hope it feels real. Anyway, I'll try to update soon. Again, thank you for all the reviews. They mean so much to me.**


	12. I am Infinity

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Which you knew already.

**Note:** I'm so sorry for the wait. Thank you all for your wonderful, fantastical, glorious reviews!

**Chapter twelve.**

_She's screaming. Sobbing screaming, no, no. No. No. Help. And she's on the other side of the door that won't open. Open. Everything fuzzy and slow and he can't save her. He can't save her. And he can't hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay. Because it won't be. And he's pounding against the wood with his fists and he remembers Jude pounding against the wood with her fists when they were locked in the Chrome Cat. He remembers the way he did nothing. Could do nothing. He was nothing. Nothing, nothing, the pounding echoing, his name, she's screaming his name. Tommy, Tommy. He can see it happening. Jude in an alley, Jude curled on the floor dripping red. Tommy, Tommy. The pounding and her face, scared, scared, scared. Alone. But there's a knife in his hands and the pounding sounds like tribal drums. And he's pinning her in alley-way. And he's hurting her. It's him. It's him._

He woke up gasping, a lump in his throat, his cheeks slippery from tears. Lost in the darkness. It was hot and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe and the pounding wouldn't stop. He could still here her voice. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. It took too long to remember. He didn't want to remember. The first time he'd seen Jude After. And her hands were shaking and he was so mean and she was so quiet. Her hands were shaking. He could still here her voice. Tucking his head between his knees and focusing on her voice. Quiet. His name wrapped inside her voice. She always sounded like music. Even when she wasn't singing, she sounded like music. And he could breathe again. Rubbing his face in his hands, willing the knots inside of him away. He realized she was outside of his apartment.

**IIIII**

"Hi," she looked frail, and tired.

Her sweater and jeans hung loosely on her body. She'd lost weight. She looked so small. Tommy blinked, nodding. He didn't know how to talk to her. His dream... All he could see was his dream. Moving aside and opening the door a little wider to let Jude pass through. She stepped inside hesitantly. Her eyes were big in her face, uncertain. Like she didn't know why she was there either. And he'd held her so many times but he felt like he couldn't touch her now. He shut the door and went to shove his hands in his pockets when he remembered he had none. So they hung awkwardly at his sides. He had no idea what to do with himself.

"I slept with James again," she said, then shaking her head angrily.

There were too many things she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him how she talked to him all the time, imagined he was with her, that he loved her. But she didn't think anyone could ever love her again. She didn't think she'd let them. And she wanted to tell him how she hated being alone and she hated being with people. She wanted to tell him that she hated herself. That she wished she'd died. How she stopped eating, how she was so tired, she missed feeling safe. She missed who she used to be. She wanted to tell him that he scared her most. All the things he made her feel. She wanted to say she was sorry. She was so sorry. But then she blurted out the James thing and she didn't know why. It was the only thing she could think of.

"That's not what I meant," she corrected herself quickly. "I mean, I... I didn't mean to say that. I wanted to say... I wanted..."

Her voice broke and Tommy felt the tightness returning to his throat. She didn't know what she wanted. She looked so small. She was scared. If he could keep her safe... If he could just hold her and keep her safe and never let her go...

"I was thinking about how much my life sucked," Jude whispered, her face like she was someplace else. "About Spied, and you, and Darius. I made a short-cut through the alley because I knew I'd be late... I... My car wasn't working again so I had to walk. I wasn't paying attention... I didn't see him following..."

Tommy stopped breathing. His whole body stiff, bracing himself, waiting for the pain to hit.

"He called my name, so I turned around," she continued, staring at her hands. "And, then he said, 'Hi, Jude, I'm a big fan of yours.' But... something wasn't right. Everything about him, it just wasn't right. So I said thanks, and he said, 'No, thank you.' And I was so scared of him... And I didn't know why... I didn't run from him but I could have run. I don't know why I didn't run..."

Tears falling. From Jude's eyes. Her sad, blue eyes. Like bruises.

"He said he was dreaming of the day he'd get to meet me. He said that I was beautiful, and that the pictures didn't do me justice. That he'd been dreaming of this day... He said that I smelled sweet. Even from where he was standing. That I smelled like violets. And that he bet my hair felt so smooth. Like silk. And that I had the softest skin..."

Tommy's vision blurred as he held back his sobs. He smelled the violets, too. He wanted to feel her hair, like silk, he wanted to touch her skin. He was a monster.

"He had this look on his face... I... I couldn't move. I just couldn't move. And then he said... He said... He... He said, 'I'm your lover, Jude. And you don't know what that is yet, but you will.'"

Tommy clenched his fists. She must have been so scared. Like a nightmare. She wanted to wake up, and she couldn't. No one was there. Nobody saved her. He said those things and she was scared and then it happened. Nobody saved her.

"He said, 'Now, I know you're scared. That's okay, everyone's a little scared their first time,'" it was easier for Jude to tell this part like he said it. Like it was just a story, something that happened to somebody else. "He said, 'I'm the most gentle lover, Jude. I'll touch you so delicate... like... like you deserve to be touched... Like... like an... an... angel. And, when I'm... fillin'... that secret place inside you.'"

She stumbled back and turned abruptly, making her way to the couch, her hand clapped over her mouth. He could save her now, he had to save her now. He felt himself moving, everything far away. His hands grabbing hers, pulling them away from her mouth. Letting out her sobs.

"Let it out," he told her. "Let it out."

Her whole body was shaking so hard. And he couldn't understand. He couldn't possibly understand. Why anyone would make her shake like this. Why anyone would hurt her like this. She was so beautiful, and smart, and funny. And he couldn't understand. Why anyone would take that. Why. He couldn't understand. Watching her cry so hard, like all the bones in her body would break. And he didn't know what the right thing to do for her was anymore.

"Get it out of me," it wasn't her voice, it didn't sound like her. She scratched at her chest, her throat, her nails digging into the skin. "Get it out of me. Get it out of me. Get it out of me. Get it out of me."

"Come here," he pulled her into his arms. "Come here."

They weren't sobs, the noises escaping her. They were growls, moans, inhuman, something deep in the pit of her stomach, something escaping. Good. Good, let go of it. Let go of it. Please. Tommy pressed his lips to the top of her head and he held her so tight. Let go of it. Please. Let go.

**IIIII**

Jude woke up in Tommy's arms. His face was twisted, like something bad was happening. There were dark circles under his eyes. She didn't want him to dream about bad things. But he needed sleep. He looked so exhausted. Like nothing was ever right, not even in his dreams. She rubbed her hands over his arms, his shoulders, and back. She rested her head on his chest and hummed softly. Glancing up to see his face again, he looked soothed this time. And she wondered what he'd been dreaming. She wondered why he was doing all this for her. Worrying for her, taking care of her. Loving her. And she still cried all the time but he wouldn't give up on her. And she wondered. Why she was worth it. Closing her eyes, she didn't intend on forgetting. All the things that scared her. But when she closed her eyes she was just so tired. Tired and comftorable, curled up against Tommy, it was so easy to forget. He didn't leave her. She couldn't believe he didn't leave her.

**IIIII**

"Tom Quincy."

"Jude Harrison."

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"You know what."

"Yeah... Jude?"

"Tommy?"

"I love you."


	13. Everything Ends

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Random quotes by Walt Whitman from Song of the Open Road. 

**Note:** I'm so, so, so sorry for the long ass wait. Thank you again for all the wonderful, beautiful, glorious reviews!

* * *

**Chapter thirteen.**

_xoxo_

**Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road,  
Healthy, free, the world before me,  
The long brown path before me leading wherever I choose.**

I wake up, strangled. Something inside of me, something fighting. Some strange electricity. And I have to leave. I have to leave right now because if I stay, I'll die. I feel it. Caught in my chest, in my throat. Something pounding like a heart. Alive. My life. I feel it. And I have to go right now because I'm not ready for this feeling to leave me. I'm not ready to die. I'm ready to live.

**Henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune,  
Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing.**

**IIIII**

I hadn't unpacked much from the first time I moved. It was easy. The rest just went into boxes. I spoke with Darius, and he didn't blame me. We agreed that I'd still be recording under G-Major. He helped me find a place to live, and wished me luck. He said I was a good kid. Whatever I was looking for, he hoped I found it. And my vision blurred, tears stinging my eyes. I hadn't been thinking of the future. Of the things ahead, the things I would find. Up until that point, I'd been dreaming of the past. Old nightmares like film reels, memories I'd leave behind. I was running away. But Darius was smiling so I smiled, my heart welling with emotion. I would burst. I would burst. And Darius hugged me, rubbing his hands over my back. I tried very hard not to cry, but a few tears escaped and I sniffled while they rolled down my cheeks. Saying goodbye to Darius, missing him more already than I ever thought I could. Forming a bond I knew we'd never break.

**The earth, that is sufficient,  
I do not want the constellations any nearer,  
I know they are very well where they are,  
I know they suffice for those who belong to them.**

And then I went home. I told my father, and Yvette, and Sadie... Sadie... We didn't cry. We fell silent. Mournful. But they understood. And I was more grateful than they would ever really know. Slipping outside to breathe, watching the sun-set, the sky streaked with purples, and oranges, and reds. Knowing that the world is so beautiful. That... _life_... is so _beautiful_. That there is this great big tomorrow. That something, somewhere is waiting for me. I just know, I just know... Everything is going to be okay. And before anything can feel settled, or finished, a car pulled up the drive-way. It parked. And my mother stepped out. Walking across the lawn and up the steps to the porch. Standing beside me, her hands clutching the railing. Glowing like fire.

"Your father called me," she explains.

I nod, silent. Not trusting my voice.

"He said you were moving," she spoke softly.

I nod.

"To California..." she turns to face me, now, her eyes searching.

"Yeah," the word escaped, sounding choked.

"You and Sadie..." my mother said, crying. "You both... changed my life. My daughters... My beautiful, beautiful daughters. My whole heart... My whole world... I... I want you to go. To California. I want you to get away from here. I want you to start over. I want you to go to the beach, and I want you to sunbathe. I want you to meet cute surfer boys. I want you... to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted, Jude, was for you to be happy. You and your sister, you gave my life meaning. You've both made me so happy. And, I never... I never meant to hurt you, Jude. I could... I could never live with myself, Jude, if I've hurt you..."

"Mommy," I sobbed, throwing myself against her.

"Oh, honey," my mother whispered, her lips in my hair, her hands on my face. Holding me, and holding me. "I'm so sorry... My baby... I love you... I love you... I love you..."

**(Still here I carry my old delicious burdens,  
I carry them, men and women, I carry them with me wherever  
I go,  
I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them,  
I am filled with them, and I will fill them in return.)**

**IIIII**

"Jamie, it's me... Yeah, you should come over... As soon as you can... I'm havin' a party... Yeah... And, hey, bring Patsy, too... Yeah... Great, see you then."

"Hey, Kat, get your skinny butt over here! No, I'm havin' a party... Why do I need to have a reason to par-tay? Okay, so maybe I have a reason... So come over and find out... Kat... I'm hanging up, come over!"

"Mason! You think after your show you could come over? Well, if it's too far... Oh, good, 'cause I'm havin' a party. Yeah, and a party's not a party without my gay cowboy."

"Hey Spied, are you with Kyle and, or Wally? Great, come over, all of you... Now... I'm havin' a party... Yup... No! Not that kind of party..."

"Hey, Tommy, since when do you not answer you cell? Uh, listen, I'm having this get-together thingy at my house... It's, like, from now until... whenever. And, I was gonna invite you, except you're not there, so... Just call me when you get this. Okay, bye."

I sighed, and put down the phone. Nervous with butterflies. Nervous with goodbyes. And behind everything else... excited. For tomorrow.

**You road I enter upon and look around, I believe you are not all  
that is here,  
I believe that much unseen is also here.**

My dad plays the Beatles, and Jamie comes first. Then Kat, then Spied and the boys. Then Patsy. Then Mason. And we order out from various resturants, we play Uno, and Clue, and watch the cooking channel. We make brownies and remember while they're baking that the food is coming. I tell them that I'm going away, and I don't know if I'm coming back. They ask questions, but not too many. They nod, wrapping their minds around it when Patsy jumps up from the floor and wraps me in a bone-crushing bear-hug.

"Gonna miss you, man," she says, giving me a few pats before sitting back down again.

I stand in shock for a moment before the rest of the gang rushes at me. Everyone waiting for their turn, hugging, whispering something that means too much. My eyes welling with tears as we laugh. Because it's everything. My friends. This night... is everything.

**The earth expanding right hand and left hand,  
The picture alive, every part in its best light.**

There's a knock on the door and Jamie stands because we think it's the food. But when he returns to our empty bellies, he comes with Tommy by his side. An apologetic look on his face.

"Going away party?" Tommy asks.

I glance at Jamie, who looks away nervously, chewing his lip. Tommy's face is blank, and I have no words for this moment. Just regrets. This is the part that hurts most. And I don't know how to tell him. I turn to view the rest of my guests, viewing us curiously. Mason catches my eye. Sees my helplessness. Nods. Then stands.

"I'm gay," Mason says.

I grab Tommy's wrist, in shock, pulling him out the door again, into the night. We stand in the darkness of the porch. He watches me struggle to speak. Then the light flicks on, blinding me for a moment before I spot Kat and Kyle peering through the window. I shoo them away, Tommy chuckles. And I chuckle. Find my voice.

"I woke up this morning... and I knew... I had to leave," I tell him. "I just... I have to leave, Tommy. I have to."

"Where will go?" he asks, so softly.

"California," I shrug, sheepishly. "What's a better place to start over than the Sunshine State?"

"That's Florida," Tommy corrects. "California's the Golden State."

"Even better," I whisper.

"That's... far," he says.

"Do you want me to stay?" I ask, suddenly, suprising us both. My heart racing. "Do you want me to stay? Because, if... if you want me to... I'll stay. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. Just ask me to stay, Tommy. I'll do it, just ask me."

I'm close to him, now. My hands gripping his shoulders. I don't know what I want. I don't know... But, what Tommy wants... Whatever Tommy wants... I can do that. I want to do that. If he wants me to stay... Wants me to stay. Want me to stay. Please. Just want me to stay. Tommy, want me to stay.

"No," he shakes his head, stepping back. "No."

"Tommy," my voice breaks and I stop.

"Jude," he steps near me again, a hand at the side of my face, a thumb stroking my cheek. "I can't... do that. I can't help you... with this. I can't make it... easy... for you. This has to be your choice... And, it has to be for you, this time. All for you. What _you_ want... What _you_ need... So... what do you want?"

"I... want..." I press my face against his chest. "I want... you."

I pull back to look in his eyes, and he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I don't flinch anymore. And he smiles. But the smile is sad. Because we know it's goodbye.

"And what do you need?" he asks.

"I need..." I place my hands on his shoulders. "I need... the golden state..."

He nods and I blink back tears. Then standing on my tip-toes I press my lips to his. I press myself to him, like you press a leaf inside a book and leave if there to grow. I kiss him and know that if he loves me, he'll feel it. All of it, every piece of it. Me. The life in me. The death. The cross-roads, the promises, the hopes. If he loves me, he'll know. That I'm sorry. And that I wish things could have been different. And that I hope this is only the beginning. When we pull back he keeps his eyes closed, the sweetest smile on his face.

"Everything," he says, "everything is gonna alright."

He lifts his lids and something escapes between a sob and a laugh.

"Everything," he says, so sure. "It's gonna be just fine."

And we laugh, our chests aching. We laugh and we cry.

"Are you Jude Harrison?" asks a voice.

We turn to see a boy with wide-eyes standing on the porch steps, delivery bags and two boxes of pizza in his arms.

"Yeah," I grin. "I'm Jude Harrison."

**I inhale great draughts of space,  
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are  
mine.  
I am larger, better than I thought,  
I did not know I held so much goodness.**

**IIIII**

**Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons,  
It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth.**

The next morning it's just mom, and dad, and Sadie. We hug and kiss goodbye. I see Jamie standing on his lawn with Kat as I walk to my car, and wave. And I drive. And I realize that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for what happened. And I cry. I see myself growing up on these streets, I see myself with my friends. There is no Before. There is no After. There is only Now. Right now... Right... now...

**The past, the future, majesty, love-if they are vacant of you, you  
are vacant of them.**


End file.
